A Bittersweet Mirage

Thoughts on Love from Kahlil Gibran

2012-01-25T23:38:00.004-05:00

Just a week after my dear friend Carla told me that I should read her favorite book, The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, I saw it on Adam's bookshelf. Of course, I was reading about four books at the time already but it went from his shelf to the top of my to-read pile.

So, today, I cracked that baby open on my subway ride home from work. It's a lot to take in at once--thoughts on love, family, marriage, work, etc.--but there have been some very inspiring moments and phrases that have stuck with me.

The section on love (naturally--also the first section) is my favorite so far--powerful and true, I want to keep reading it to myself so that it sinks in deeper and deeper. And I want to share it with you all:

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's hear.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," by rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips. (Gibran, 11-14)

(Gibran, Kahil. The Prophet. New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 2007.)

And yes, I am reposting this over at Reading Between the Lines, too, so don't be shocked to see it twice. :-p

"Glitter in the Air" is ringing in my head

2012-01-12T20:08:00.004-05:00

I heard this Pink song for the first time today on my iPod and I've fallen in love with it.

I can't stop listening!

A Dress Obsession

2012-01-10T14:51:00.007-05:00

I don't know why, but all I want to do right now is find cute dresses to buy online. This is odd for someone who hates shopping as I do. It's also odd when I already spent multiple hours doing that last night and today already.

Given I ordered 8 dresses today to try on (free shipping and free returns/exchanges!), I should really restrain myself though. But look how PRETTY!!!

Here's hoping some of them (or the others!) fit! =)

Promises and Consequences: Nothing like Chutes and Ladders

2012-01-09T20:17:00.003-05:00

My doc has been giving me a lot of homework lately. Not something I'm enjoying per se as it can dig up a lot of demons, but I know it's important and am hoping it proves worth the torment. One task, though, isn't so bad. Though I'm struggling with it nonetheless.

I have to come up with 10 "promises" and ten "consequences" to go with them, all relating to things I can do on a regular basis to work on feeling healthier and better about myself. (We're working on my self image, at the moment, among other things.) And then I have to follow the regimen for a month.

Coming up with the promises wasn't actually as hard as I expected. I focused them on a lot of physical things I can do to get my body back in a place that I'm comfortable with, that feels healthy and powerful, that gives me energy. I also think I did pretty well at coming up with goals that are actually fairly achievable.

The hard part for me has been trying to think of consequences. Doc said sometimes people make themselves put a dollar in a jar. Other times it's something they then aren't allowed to do. But I can't think of what I would "punish" myself with that would actually motivate me and that I would be super disciplined about.

As I'm a ridiculous honest person, I'm going to share my list of promises with you. Perhaps you might have an idea of a good consequence to go with one (or more!) of them to suggest:

1. Go to the gym at least twice a week.

2. Eat breakfast at least five times per week.

3. Say one nice thing aloud to myself about my appearance every morning while getting ready for the day.

4. Write at least twice a week.

5. Blog three times per week.

6. Find and use a daily affirmation that increases positivity and compassion for myself. Repeat affirmation to self at least once per day. (Any suggestions here are also welcome).

7. Do one thing by and for myself per week.

8. Go to yoga once a week.

9. Eat salad for dinner one a week.

10. Take ALL my vitamins six times per week.

As you can see, a lot of my promises here revolve around health and activity. I figured it was a good place to start for the first month of the exercise.

Now, to figure out the consequences... :/

Jumping Off the Boyfriend Cliff

2011-12-21T10:08:00.004-05:00

Having a boyfriend again is weird. I mean, it's awesome, but it's weird. The fears and worries and insecurities that I haven't had to deal with in years are now back full-force and it's not a feeling I enjoy.

I'm working harder than ever, of course, to assuage them and heal them so that they don't continue to crop up. But it's surprising how intense the feelings are all of a sudden again. It's like there's a switch inside me somewhere that is flipped the moment I open my heart to someone and give them the power to hurt me.

It's an amazing thing, really, how life, your perspective, and your feelings can change so quickly when you decide to let someone in. I have been pushing people away for so long now that I forgot what it was like not to. I kind of even forgot how to do anything else, making every day feel like a small victory every time I succeed in playing the girlfriend role again. I guess it helps to know that I'm not the only one needing to readjust. He's jumped off the cliff with me and is wonderful about all my little quirks and broken pieces, and shares his with me too.

The point of my little babble-fest? Letting go of the fear and giving into trust is not an easy thing, but for the first time in a very long time, I want to do it....

Twisted New Plan-B Regulations

2011-12-12T09:04:00.000-05:00

When my friend Alex sent me a link to a New York Times article discussing the new regulations for the morning-after pill, Plan-B, I had a visceral reaction. Shock, anger, sadness. Emotions, emotions everywhere!

It's disturbing to me that we would prohibit girls under the age of 17 from getting Plan-B without a prescription. I understand that perhaps they are hoping to curb the prevalence of sex at that age and/or increase the practice of safe sex with this new ruling, but let's face it: It's not going to stop teens. All it's going to do is stop girls who get into a unfortunate situation too young from having the opportunity to live a normal life and increase the birth rate in that age group.

Plan-B needs to be taken within three days for it having even a chance of working and it is highly unlikely that girls in these scenarios will be able to get to a doctor, get the prescription, etc. within that very fragile time frame. Especially when it may or may not involve having to inform their parents! That in itself could take weeks!

Obama claims “the reason Kathleen [his secretary of health and human services] made this decision was she could not be confident that a 10-year-old or an 11-year-old going into a drugstore should be able — alongside bubble gum or batteries — be able to buy a medication that potentially, if not used properly, could end up having an adverse effect. And I think most parents would probably feel the same way.” But the way I see it, there are way more "adverse effects" involved when taking the risk of these young people ending up as parents than of the effects of using it improperly.

Seems pretty twisted, if you ask me...(not that anyone did LOL)

Holy Meth Lab, Batman!

2011-12-05T11:19:00.003-05:00

My best friend from college sent me a link to a Gawker.com article this morning: Old Lady Professor Who ran a Meth Lab is Nothing Like the Guy in Breaking Bad.

As soon as I saw the title, I had a bad feeling I was going to know the criminal. And it turns out, I do.

She was my crazy sophomore-year Calculus professor. She had the thickest Russian accent I've ever heard, mumbled, couldn't write legibly, and marked questions incorrect if you didn't use her methods even when you got the correct answer. I was not a fan. I remember dreading that class so much, but thankfully took it with a few friends so it was semi-bearable.

The news that this prof was ran a meth lab out of her home, however, was shocking (and a little disturbing, I'll admit), but I guess the crazy makes more sense now!

People are certainly surprising.

It's a new day...

2011-12-01T10:21:00.005-05:00

I'm not one for New Years Resolutions. I don't understand why people wait until the start of a somewhat meaningless calendar year to tackle the goals and tasks they want to accomplish. I'm a firm believer in resolving to do something as soon as you, well, resolve to do it. Why put it off when you can start now?

While I've always believed this, it's not the easiest thing to actually do, I know. I'm not good at it, that's for sure. My fear paralyzes me most of the time, makes me so terrified that I can't even lift my foot off the ground to take the first step. But in the past couple weeks, some things have shifted inside me somehow. I'm not sure why but the universe has been dropping me less-than-subtle hints about taking hold of my life and changing it, instead of waiting for something to magically change it for me. (Come on, we all do it in some areas of our lives.) As silly as it may sound, the compilation of spot-on horoscopes, comments/encouragement from friends and other trusted allies, blog posts I've been sent or that have appeared in my Twitter feed, the miraculous random song selection on my iPod (more on that shortly!)--it's done something to me. It's all finally started to sink in. I think because I'm ready to actually do something about it. I'm still scared shitless, of course, but it's a fear that I somehow feel I can overcome.

So, in these past couple of weeks, I have started making choices, moving forward, and getting ready for what the future may bring, both near and far. In what ways, you ask? Well, let me tell you:

I started working on a new novel, for one. A great idea came to me on the subway and I've actually been exploring it, instead of tucking it away in a locked up box for fear that it's a horrible idea in the first place and that I have no talent whatsoever. I'm brainstorming like crazy and taking notes and talking to people about the idea (something I've never really done before--I usually keep it to myself for the same reason I just mentioned). I'm actually excited about the project and even told an agent friend about it, who loves the idea. So, moving forward there!

Two: I started cleaning up my dating life. For a while now, I've been casually dating guys who I know aren't really in it, and I haven't been either. I think that's why I've stuck with them. I don't sense an actual future, I don't have strong feelings--I enjoy their company, of course, because I wouldn't spend time with them if I didn't, but there's nothing real there. Which means they can't hurt me. I can't get attached. I can close off my heart. But I finally decided it was time to stop that. To clarify my "relationships" where they're muddied and end them where they're not moving forward in any positive and healthy way. I still am holding on to one, I'll admit, because it's just fun, but I'll get to nixing that one eventually too. I've also started opening myself up to meeting new people, to actually look for what I want. I revamped my online dating profile, I went out with friends to watch a football game where I was told there would be lots of great single guys, etc. And now I have two dates coming up that I'm really looking forward to (one as the result of online, the other an organic meeting)--they both seem to have actual potential so far, though in different quantities from what I now at this point. We'll see! The point is, I'm putting myself out there again. And this time, with the goal of not running away from people who genuinely like me and whom I genuinely like.

Thirdly, I took a big step this week toward my future goals of leaving the city and having a life somewhere quieter, prettier, friendlier, calmer, etc. I bought a car. (Eek!) It's scary and a huge investment that I'll be paying off for years to come but it's also exciting. It puts me one step closer to my goal. Plus, it gives me a freedom and independence I don't have when living in the city. Even that has lifted a weight off my shoulders already, and I just got it on Monday night! The world is now my oyster, if you will. I can even go visit my friends and family that don't live in the city--of which there are MANY. It's kind of an awesome feeling. (But don't worry--this was not a decision I made lightly. I have been thinking about it for over a year and considering it seriously since early September. I did my pro-con list and weighed my options like a good responsible girl!)

On a fourth note, I've just been getting shit done. I bought my first ever very own real Christmas tree, decorated it myself, and even made a star for the top out of cardboard and tin foil. I found Cupcake a new vet and got that all in order. I'm basically just doing all the stuff I've been putting off for months and months and months.

And finally, I've decided to take more of an active role in improving my work-life. I've been at my current job for a year now and there are a number of areas in which I would like things to be different or just be more clearly defined. So, I've already requested time with my boss to sit down and have a heart-to-heart about it. Hopefully it will lead to a better situation for me in a lot of ways.

So, there you have it. Look who is taking the bull by the horns?

Oh, and you know what I'm also going to do? BLOG CONSISTENTLY. Yes, A Bittersweet Mirage is going to be back up and running regularly. Not every day--I don't want to over-promise!--but regularly, nonetheless. I miss talking to you all!

To close, I'm going to share with you some of the amazing and random things that popped up in front of me recently that started turning my mindset around:

Free Will Astrology (of course):

Week of Nov. 10: I was musing on how slow I am to learn the lessons I need to master -- how hard it can be to see the obvious secrets that are right in front of me. But I felt better after I came across the logo for the Jung Institute in San Francisco, which is dedicated to the study of psychology and psychotherapy. The symbol that it has chosen to embody its ruling spirit consists of four snails creeping their way around a center point -- a witty acknowledgment of the plodding nature of the human psyche. I bring this to your attention, Leo, because it's important for you to give yourself credit for how much you've grown since the old days -- even if your progress seems intolerably gradual.

Week of Nov. 24: If you traveled 300 million years back in time, you might freak out in abject fear as you encountered dragonflies as big as eagles and cockroaches the size of dogs. But since you're quite safe from those monsters here in the present, there's no need to worry yourself sick about them. Similarly, if you managed to locate a time machine and return to an earlier phase of your current life, you'd come upon certain events that upset you and derailed you way back then. And yet the odds are very high that you're not going to find a time machine. So maybe you could agree to relinquish all the anxiety you're still carrying from those experiences that can no longer upset and derail you. Now would be an excellent moment to do so.

Blog post: I started reading this amazing blog by Erika Napoletano. This post in particular did me in.

Songs from my iPod, which apparently picks all the best songs for me at random to really hammer shit home and strike a chord with my heart and soul ( there are definitely more that have been appearing and freaking me out haha, this is just a sampling haha):

"Against the Grain" City and Colour

"Starts with Goodbye" by Carrie Underwood

"World Wide Open" by Love and Theft

"Ready to Love Again" by Lady Antebellum

"Second Chance" Shinedown

"Life Without Losing" by Sara Evans

My amazing friends: You know who you are. Your love, support, and endless patience with me and my crazy heart is more than I could ever hope for. You inspire me.

New York State of Mind

2011-08-18T09:29:00.003-04:00

This morning, a old man fell on the subway. Our train was stopped at Times Square, the doors already announced to be closing. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the man (who was probably in his mid to late 70s) get up and shuffle away from his seat, grabbing on to poles along the way. With his slow movements and seemingly deliberate steps I thought, surely, he's not trying to get off the train--he's just preparing for the next stop to disembark. But naturally, he suddenly shoved his hands between the closing metal doors, trying desperately to keep them open with his weak arms.

I darted up out of my seat just as he tipped over, sliding to the ground as if in slow motion. There was a look of frozen shock on his face. I moved toward him, realizing that I was the only one who seemed to care, not notice mind you, but care. Around him, people were starting, blank expressions on heartless faces, and I was stunned. I took the man's hand and gave it a squeeze. His skin was cold and soft; it felt innocent somehow, unaware and lonely. I felt some kind of connection to this stranger, who no one batted an eye at, no one wanted to help. It wasn't until I made sharp eye contact with the nearly 6-foot-tall man across the train car that another body stood to lend a hand.

Together we lifted the man up to his feet and guided him back to the bench. I hovered over him, my recruited helper on my left, and at the next stop we led him off the train car. I wanted to hold tight, to take the man wherever he needed to go, to make sure he was safe, but once off the wavering train, his feet seemed to balance on the solid ground and he scurried away. I turned to look at the younger man, my partner in this rescue, to see what we should do, but he was gone. I opened my mouth to call out but suddenly felt self-conscious, helpless in the rush of city bustle, so I just closed it and continued on my way.

I had to fight off tears the rest of the way to work. What kind of place is this that I live in? Where no one wants to help each other, no one wants to even notice, where no one feels safe enough or strong enough or has too much pride to actually ask for a hand? What am I doing here? This isn't me; these aren't my comrades.

I don't want to feel so alone and dazed and crushed by city life that I stop trying. But it seems that's all that happens as time goes on. I think more and more about where I'm supposed to be, where I might truly find "home." But that's all it is--just thoughts. There's no plan, no idea even of what I would do if I went somewhere else. This is all I know anymore. And it breaks my heart.

Off I Go...

2011-07-05T05:38:00.003-04:00

Yeah.....I'm freaking out over here......

Things have been hectic in general (hence my silence in the blogsphere these days)--work's been crazed and I've been sick off and on, off an on with strep throat and tonsillitis since late April.

And now I'm sitting here, trying to calm my body and stop shaking, because I have to leave very soon for the hospital. Those tonsils that have been torturing me my entire life are finally coming out.

My doc tells me I'll be out of commission for two weeks--no work, no nothing. I'm hoping he's wrong and I can at least work/freelance from home on week 2, when I'm back from NJ. (My mom is going to take care of me for the first 5 days back "home." I'll be pretty much useless.) It seems a tonsillectomy is a major surgery for adults, while children can bounce back from it in just a matter of a few days.

I'm not happy about it in any respect, but hopefully the operation will improve my immune system because it won't have to constantly fight off a throat infection, and it will stop me from getting sick so often. I keep trying to remind myself of that--it's the reason I'm going to go through all the pain in the first place.

Anyway, just wanted to fill you in...I'm going to be better about blogging when I am feeling better--or so that's the plan. I've had so many ideas for blog posts these days--change.org, Gentle Barn, etc. etc.--but haven't had the energy to write them with all that's been going on.

Fingers crossed all goes well and it helps catapult me back into a better life pattern!

Hugs all around.

Gentlemen Hall Wins Billboard Battle of the Bands!!!

2011-05-19T01:51:00.014-04:00

So, they did it. My college friends--who comprise the band Gentlemen Hall (well, all but their lead guitarist, if you want to get technical)--just won Billboard's Battle of the Bands! Be sure to tune in to see them perform LIVE for 12 million people at the Billboard Awards this Sunday, May 22 at 8 PM on ABC!

I feel kind of silly admitting it, but when I got a text from Phil, the band's drummer, saying they won, I burst into tears. Aaaaaand I haven't been able to stop for nearly an hour...I also happened to be caught crying earlier today by my boss as I was watching their "On the Road" videos *blush* I'm just so ridiculously proud of them (and miss them like whoa kind of all the time haha).

Maybe I have no right to be--I'm not a member of the band (however, I did do a stellar job of handing out the free swag at their last NYC show!), I'm not dating any of them (*cough* anymore), and I don't even live in the same city (Boston) anymore. But even so, the pride is welling up inside me right now. They've worked so hard, are so talented, and have grown so much as a band and as individuals.

When I met them 6+ years ago, they weren't even a concept of a band. They were just these awesome guys who went to Berklee College of Music. I didn't even meet them all at the same time, but I became acquainted which each of them quickly and on different levels.

We'd hang out at their apartments, party, play Balderdash, have Super Mario Kart tournaments, and I'd listen in on late night jam sessions with them and our other friends. They almost all (*cough* Phil *cough*) ventured over to visit my dorm at BU when I injured my knee. Gavin and I saw "Garden State" in the theatre together, a movie that inspired me and continues to. Seth and I went apple picking one rainy day. Brad and I had epic Super Monkey Ball competitions. Rory and I planned some incredible (and incredibly infeasible) zamboni thefts. And Phil and I went on some crazy excursions to Walmart in my Jetta, buying more cereal that we knew what to do with.

When I met them and the rest of the Berklee crew, that's when college really came alive to me. I had struggled with my college experience but I finally felt like I belonged somewhere and knew I'd met genuinely amazing people I could connect with. It took me 2.5 years of living in Boston but it was happening--I'll never forget it. I don't think they realize what a huge part of my life they were and how drastically their presence changed me. I was miserable at college before wriggling my way into their lives and they some how made it an unforgettable last two years for me.

I'm going to reminisce in photos now:

Me with Brad, Jasmine, and Aaron
(I have no idea what I was saying but it was probably ridiculous.)

Phil just rockin' in the rocker.

Me and Seth posing with our apples.

Gavin dressing up like Ben on Halloween

Myself, Bryce, and Rory (complete with Jello shot balanced on his head) playing Mario Kart

And now...

I love you, guys and am so, so happy for you. It's been an amazing ride watching you grow into yourselves, and even though I'm not really around physically these days, I'm always rooting for you.

2011-05-16T10:55:00.004-04:00

While chatting with my dear friend Allison this a.m. about men and comic book artists (Yes, I know. We are quite well-rounded), I unknowingly reminded her of the TAKE ON ME video by A-Ha.

It went something like this:

A: [Artist Aimo] is brilliant.
Me: Can she draw me a love interest? and then make him come to life?
A: Like A-Ha? Take On Me?
Me: *silence*
A: You know that video right?
Me: I haven't ever seen the video, no, but I know the song..
A: OMG.

Then she sent me this -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djV11Xbc914

I am now OBSESSED.

To Speak Up or Shut Up

2011-05-15T22:45:00.006-04:00

This week was long, stressful, and exhausting in so many ways. I'm emotionally drained to say the least.

Work is insane--progress is being made, of course, but it's slow and semi-painful at times to make sense of all the moving pieces that make up my job. My health is a mess--oscillating from sick to mostly healthy-ish is getting old, and as a result, it seems I'll be having surgery to remove my tonsils in early July. Whee. I had about 5 meltdowns on Friday alone about these two things. Then there are boys, of course--which I'd held off melting down about until today.

Last night, one of the guys I've been dating came over--we had a fun time, watched "Friends," chatted a bit, etc. I've seen him a few times since we met in April at a work conference and I liked him more than I expected to. Things have been casual and somewhat inconsistent due to his job but I was enjoying spending time and getting to know him.

But he's more complicated and difficult to read than most guys. And it's been driving me NUTS. So, this morning I opened my big mouth and put on my no-more-games face and told him so. There was no intent on my end to have a big drawn-out "define the relationship" conversation--we're both dating other people too and that's okay for now. But whether or not we were on the same general page--exploring "us" and our potential, or just "having fun for now"--kept eluding me.

From the start I was expecting it to be just for fun--I didn't think I'd see more in him. But then I did. Of course, there are a million reasons why he and I aren't compatible long-term but I liked the possibility of what we could be anyway. Half the time, he seemed to feel the same way; the other half he'd get distant and impossible to read. And if you know me, which you probably do if you're even reading this, you know I'm not cool with ambiguity like that, especially when another person's feelings could be affected.

So, I decided to ask him point blank. And naturally, I got the answer I was expecting though hoping wasn't the case: "having fun for now."

I did pretty awesome job of not breaking down while he was here, of keeping on a good face while still letting him know that I needed to think about whether that was okay with me. But when he left, I couldn't contain it and I exploded--a lot more powerfully than I expected to.

The disappointment was one part of it--I do have a good time with him and he's a killer cuddler. It's not something I exactly want to just go away (and it doesn't have to, if that's what I decide--he wants to keep things as they are). Then there are the implications of someone like him (he's a romance cover and fitness model/actor. Yes, it's true.) wanting to be with someone like me was another part--a bigger part even.

I've been learning a lot about myself lately, working on recognizing what are called my "cognitive distortions." I'm trying to be aware of when I'm viewing the world through a skewed scope and then trying to gather the "evidence" for what is "real" instead of just going with the feeling I have inside. It occurs in many areas of my life but the biggest is about who I am and what I'm worth, if I'm good enough, what I deserve.

I guess this morning just felt like a smack in the face--the universe slamming me with a whole lot of "Are you crazy? Did you really think someone in his league would fall for someone like you?" Clearly, it's been a rough day as a result!

And even though I wanted to know--or rather, needed to know the truth--and respect and admire the fact that we talked so maturely and openly about it, part of me wishes I had kept my mouth shut and let myself feel like I was up on Olympus with him for just a little while longer.

It's funny how that happens--wishing we could change the things we know were the right things to do. And then how we still struggle with making additional choices as a result, choices that should be easy ones but aren't--like whether to just let go of the fun because the potential isn't there, or to keep it up even though I know this is all we can be and knowing what my eventual goals are for my life.

Oy. I haven't had to deal with this one in a while. I'm NOT a fan.

Faith, Fear, and Nonsense really

2011-05-09T21:43:00.004-04:00

Nothing in my life right now feels very stable. Everything is balancing on a fragile fulcrum that feels as though it could turn on me at any moment. I've been doing my best to keep it steady, to shift my weight when I feel things start to tilt. But really, I don't feel like I have much control over it. Or certainly not as much as I would like. There is too much to do, too much to not do, too much I'm not sure how to deal with. It's not a simple task, this I know.

Tonight, thought, I couldn't stand the range of emotions bubbling inside of me. I've been fearing the combination lately, wondering when I'm not going to be able to hold it together any longer. I don't know when that time will come, but all I knew is that I needed to calm it down somehow. I also needed guidance from someone or something other than my emotions. So, I decided to go to the tarot.

I've used tarot before to answer questions, to help me quiet the feelings and use the more rational side of my brain to tackle a problem. And every time I do it, it helps so tremendously. I always end my session thinking, "I need to do this more often." But I never do. Why, I'm not sure. The times I do succumb are so healing somehow, even when it leaves me feeling no less torn inside, even when it spills tears from my eyes--like tonight.

Somehow I feel closer to the answer. It's a kind of spirituality that has always been missing in my life, a faith I've never found or been able to hold on to. But maybe I need to try harder, to believe in something, even if in the end it's rooted in my own thoughts and feelings. Isn't all faith like that in a way?

I don't know much about faith so maybe I'm not making any sense at all. The only thing I know is that when I dim the lights in my apartment, light a few choice candles, turn on some calming music (my new sound machine is magical, by the way), and close my eyes and take some deep breaths to clear and cleanse my soul, something stirs within me. Something pure and primal and unabashed. It just is.

And maybe that's exactly what I need. To believe in just being.

A Firework From Family

2011-04-02T10:27:00.004-04:00

Wow. I haven't posted in longer than I thought. Damn.

This post isn't going to be very long or much of anything really. But something happened the other day that made me cry, in kind of a good way, so I wanted to document it.

My mom called me the other day to tell me that every time she hears the song "Firework" by Katy Perry she thinks of me. I hadn't heard the song before so this morning I finally had a chance to look it up on iTunes and listen. And the tears just burst.

I've always had a pretty volatile relationship with my mother, and it's rare that she reaches out the way she did with that simple call. That in itself meant a great deal to me. But then listening to the lyrics--which she told me to do because they were "me'--it just made me kind of collapse. It sounds silly, I know, but it was probably the biggest compliment she has ever really given me. I also happen to be at a point in my life right now where I'm trying to learn how to do all the things in the song--to be more of myself, to let go of the hurt and the fear, to shift my internal view of myself to something more realistic and less distorted.

That said, it's song-sharing time:

Free Will Astrology Returns

2011-02-16T11:53:00.003-05:00

Of course, Free Will Astrology never really went anywhere. I've still been reading it weekly even when not blogging as dedicatedly *blush* (Yes, I just made that word up, I think...). But now I'm back to sharing it with you when it really strikes me...like it did this week...

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Six years ago, a friend of mine came to believe
she had died in a previous incarnation by being thrown off a horse. From
that time on, she felt stuck. She became convinced that her life energy
would remain in a state of suspended animation until she learned to feel
comfortable on a horse. Fear kept her from even attempting that for a
long time, but recently she got up the courage to begin. Her efforts were
bumpy at first, but rapidly improved. As she gained confidence as a rider,
every other aspect of her life bloomed, too -- just as she'd suspected. I
think her experience could be useful for you to learn from in the coming
months, Leo. What's your biggest, oldest fear? Is there anything you
could do to start dissolving it?

My initial reaction to this one was, naturally, my fear of abandonment, disappointment, and loss when it comes to love of all shapes and sizes--familial, romantic, platonic. It's probably my biggest, scariest over-arching life concern. But how to start dissolving it now that I've acknowledged it aloud? *confused*

I'm at a loss.

Definitely something to ponder.

New obsession: "Look at Miss Ohio"

2011-02-08T23:24:00.005-05:00

I've had this amazing song stuck in my head all day. It's so beautiful and powerful and *sigh* I just love it.

Work, Boys, Play, Boys, Life, Boys

2011-02-01T01:26:00.004-05:00

Hello, friends. I've failed at the blogging game, yet again. I'm not sure why it's so difficult for me to blog anymore. I guess I don't have a ton to say most of the time. Either that or I'm just keeping myself so damn busy being a social butterfly that whenever I have some down time, I just want to shut down my brain. I'm starting to work on striking the right balance, though, giving myself at least one night each week to yoga and just relaxing a bit, and then having writing class every Tuesday. Things are going to get a bit trickier though for the next few weeks with deadlines for the Sekrit Projekt looming.

I've found some fun things to help de-stress me though...BOYS.

I don't know what this new obsession is about. It's like I'm going through the boy-crazy phase a decade too late. It makes sense, I guess, given I've been in relationship after relationship and never really let myself be single and just enjoy it. I still, of course, have a strong longing for finding that special person, for being monogamous and settling down. But I'm getting better at being okay with being just me for now. It doesn't hurt having a variety of cute boys to occupy my time, I suppose.

I do wonder sometimes though if I'm perpetuating the pattern a bit because I'm terrified of being hurt. I find that I've been pushing guys away as soon as they show any real interest in me, suddenly totally without interest myself. Either that or I find myself wishing something could be more than it is, even though it's been established that things need to stay the status quo (i.e. my new "friend with benefits" or FWB as I call him). It's like I'm clinging to the unavailable so that I can't be broken again. Or maybe it really is just me being boy-crazy, picking up a spoon and trying out all the different flavors until I find the right one, picking a favorite or three in the meantime and enjoying it for the time being.

I can't decide which of those alternatives would be healthiest LOL

So, I guess for now, I'll just keep doing what I'm doing: working, writing, playing my guitar, getting back in shape, and kissing boys, figuring out what I really want before getting attached or letting my heart spring ahead of my brain. I'll allow the now to take over.

And the "now" right now? Bedtime. Preferably with a bunch of glorious and boy-filled dreams to boot.

A Jam-Packed Week In Progress

2011-01-03T22:39:00.004-05:00

Today was a rough, rough day. The morning rounded up well enough--in fact, I was feeling pretty relaxed even though I was cranky about being back at the office. But then afternoon hit and it felt like someone handed me a ticking bomb with a smile and an "okay, you have fun now."

It was hectic and stressful, and I'll admit I'm feeling a bit out of my element with the craziness at a job I'm still settling into and am still learning a lot about. This whole week promises to be similarly--the whole month, really--with the days creeping toward launch and our team realizing there is still a shit-ton to do.

Luckily, I have some fun things planned this week to hopefully provide a little relief--dinner with a college friend I haven't seen in a couple years, a movie with one of my best high school friends (who is slowly feeling like much more than that), and a date with a banker who picked me up at the laundromat yesterday. All positive, exciting things to kick off the first week of 2011.

Unluckily, there's more to the week than work stressing and social de-stressing. I also have to pull the honesty card on a sweet, smart, cute, and talented guy to tell him that I'm not really interested in pursuing a relationship right now (long distance, at that) before I hurt him more than I'm already going to.

It's the worst part about having a conscience and striving to be a forthright and open person--actually telling the truth, no matter how brutal it may be. I'm one to sugar-coat but somehow I know this time it's still going to go down jagged. Especially since I'm not positive there's not a small part of me that wants to see what would happen with us if I left it unfold naturally. There definitely is. But I guess it's a bigger part of me that knows it's wrong to string him along, something I've learned you can do even when you don't mean to and even when you've already made yourself perfectly clear as not wanting anything exclusive. I've been on both ends of that rope and neither is fun. And telling myself I've done by duty in being honest already even though I know it hasn't sunk in isn't doing either of us any favors.

As you can see, there's a lot on this week's to-do list--good, bad, and in between. I guess that's how life goes though--it's all about the balance. Just gotta find that center of gravity and walk along the wire.

Life Lessons a la 2010

2011-01-02T19:41:00.004-05:00

December has come and gone and I barely blogged. I don't know what my deal is and this time I have no excuses. But now that's it's 2011, I have been doing a lot of thinking about this past year, reflecting on what's occurred and why. I've always known that things happen for a reason, that every bad moment--and every good moment--has a purpose and something for us to gain. But this year I feel like I've actually started to learn it.

So, I thought I'd share with you, my dear friends, just a handful of the things I've really learned this year (in no particular order, of course):

1. People come and go from your life, usually when you least expect it. But your true friends and family stick around, even when it sucks.

2. What you want--and what you've believed you've always wanted--is not necessarily what you need.

3. Yoga is good for the soul, the body, and the sex drive. So, just do it.

4. People really can--and constantly do--change and evolve. As a result, we sometimes find ourselves connecting with people from our past that we never understood or cared to...and sometimes the opposite happens.

5. Every family has a skeleton in the closet--or twelve. And eventually, they come out.

6. Even though being single can be lonely at times--or, well, most of the time--it's only when we allow ourselves to be alone with our thoughts, needs, and desires that we actually can understand what they are.

7. Always ask your doctor about possible withdrawal effects before going on a prescription medication. Because they usually won't tell you freely, and neither will anyone else.

8. Work-life balance is key. Without it, you become an angry, bitter, and physically ill person, if even just temporarily.

9. We've all been traumatized in some way. We just need to give ourselves the okay to take the time we need to heal. It can't be rushed.

10. You have to look out for number one. Of course, still show kindness and compassion toward numbers two through a trillion, but you're the one you spend your life with.

How Danielle Got Her Groove Back

2010-12-04T10:08:00.004-05:00

I know it's been a while since I last wrote. That's because my life has flipped upside down a bit. Not in a bad way, just in a different way.

If you haven't already heard through my book blog, Reading Between the Lines, I've taken a new job, doing something quite different than what I've been working toward the past several years. It was a tough decision to make but after my first week of work, I'm feeling really good about the decision. It's still hard every day not seeing my old bosses, co-workers, and working with my authors, but the new position is refreshingly different, I'm focused on one particular project, and the job allows me to have *gasp* free time.

So, I'm sitting here this morning on my couch, still in my pajamas, trying to figure out what to watch on Netflix Instant. Even two weeks ago this kind of morning would've been impossible. I always had to wake up early with an alarm, get out of bed, and do work. But today, while I do have a romance contest to judge this weekend, the world is my oyster. I have plans tonight with friends, which I'm excited about, but other than that? Nada. I can watch a movie, I can go to a movie, I can read, I can go to a cafe, I can wander around the city aimlessly, I can pick my guitar again, I can write, or I can just be a lazy bum.

I can do whatever I want--and it's awesome. However, I will admit that I've been at a bit of a loss this week when it's come to my evenings. I'm so used to not having free time that I can't figure out what to do other than sit around and rest. I did go to a concert this week (my college friends were in town with their band!), which was a ton of fun and it was so good to see them. But other than that, I had no clue.

I think it'll take me a little while to get back into my life--especially since I've been so burned out that all I want to do is nothing--but at least now I have the opportunity. I'm sure with a little more time to get used to having choices, I'll be able to get back into the groove fully and really start enjoying myself again.

What an exciting prospect :)

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

2010-11-05T00:53:00.005-04:00

It's nearly one a.m. and the idea of falling asleep is terrifying, even as my eyelids droop in exhaustion. Because falling asleep means tomorrow will come soon, and tomorrow is a day that I'm not sure how to handle. There's a major life change up in the air right now but in the morning, I have to make a choice, pick which path to take, and then actually take it.

Some people may find that kind of morning exciting, but for me, it's anxiety-ridden and scary as hell. I don't want to pick wrong. I don't want to have any regrets. I don't want to negatively affect anyone I care about. I also detest change. Once and a while, it can be a good thing, and I know that. But overall, man, I'm not a fan. I like the familiar, I like exploring what's already there instead of taking on unchartered territory. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen or at least being able to predict it, and I certainly don't enjoy feeling lost and confused in a world I can't yet navigate.

I know that it's the fear talking. I did everything I could to lead myself to making the right decision objectively, trying to put the fear and emotions aside--something I'm generally not very good at. And I have it down on paper, clear as day, to remind me to power through the fear and anxiety, to suck it up and do what needs to be done. "Feel the fear and do it anyway" as Susan Jeffers would advise.

I realize I'm being cryptic right now. But I'm not ready to share, despite needing to talk through my fear. Quite the inconvenience, I know :-p

Deep breaths. Morning will come whether I sleep or not, so I might as well try to get out of my head, right?

Goodnight, my dear friends.

And if I'm back in an hour, it's safe to say I'm officially freaking out.

2010-10-26T09:35:00.002-04:00

Ok I just heard another fantastic song that I just have to share--soooo brilliant! It's cracking me up at my desk!!

I heart T-Swift!

P.S. I promise I won't do this all day LOL

A T-Swift kind of day

2010-10-26T09:12:00.005-04:00

This morning when I was drying my hair and realized, "OMG I forgot to buy Taylor Swift's new album yesterday!" LOL Yes, I know. I'm a dork. But anyway, I scooted over to my computer, downloaded that sucker and then went back to getting ready. Then I realized, "Oooh I wonder when she's going on tour!" So, I went back to my desk, pulled up her website, and checked out the Tour/Schedule tab. And it turned out, she was playing on the Today show...TODAY.

Perfect!

So, on my way to work, I swung by Rockefeller Plaza where they set up the concert stage, and what do you know? My timing was, again, perfect. Taylor was doing her sound check.

Since I'm consistently crazy-early to work, I had plenty of time to scope out a spot and hang out for a bit. I watched from across 48th Street--not the best view but it wasn't crowded, I could hear really well, and I could see her head bobbing around the stage.

What a nice start to my Tuesday morning!

Today's song of the day?

One of my new faves from her new album, Speak Now: "Haunted"

2010-10-09T20:09:00.004-04:00

I've been giving some serious thought lately to my purpose in this life. I've, of course, come to no conclusions but I'm not convinced that I'm necessarily where I should be. I'm stressed 24/7, I hate the city I live in, I miss fresh air and slower moving days, I miss feeling like I'm part of something real. Each day it gets harder and harder to keep going the way I'm going.

I've thought about leaving New York lately--a lot. The only questions are where would I go and what on earth would I do?

I have no idea.

Sending Love Up North

2010-10-06T23:40:00.004-04:00

Sometimes there's just nothing you can do. You don't know what to say, what to do, how to comfort or draw a smile. All you can do is be there, waiting in case you're needed, ready to jump.

That's how I feel right now. Despite a crazy day in the office and trying to push away the emotions building inside me--some healthily, some not so healthily--my thoughts have been with a dear friend all day, a friend who has been there for me for the past two-plus years, who helped me get through such a tough time in my life that I don't know if I'd be here if it weren't for her. She kept me somewhat sane in a time where I felt anything but inside.

Now, she's going through the hardest time of her life, and I wish that I could repay her. I wish that I could recreate the comfort she gave me and give it right back. I know she knows I'm here for her though. And all I can do is hope that if she needs to lean on me, for anything, she will.

RAINBOWS

If I could catch a rainbow
I would do it just for you.
And share with you it's beauty
On the days you're feeling blue.
If I could build a mountain
You could call your very own.
A place to find serenity
A place to be alone.
If I could take your troubles
I would toss them in the sea.
But all these things I'm finding
are impossible for me,
I cannot build a mountain
Or catch a rainbow fair
But let me be...what I know best,
a friend that's always there.

-Khahlil Gibran

FWA: Not As Easy As It Seems

2010-10-05T19:43:00.007-04:00

I read my free will astrology (which I've decided to call FWA from here on out) today...shocker:

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Nose jobs are at an all-time high. Every year, American plastic surgeons cumulatively scrape away more than a mile of flesh and bone from their patients' sniffers. I predict that in the coming weeks, the noses of the entire planet's Leo tribe will shrink 10,000 times that amount, at least metaphorically. Why? Because I expect an epidemic of truth-telling to break out among you. There's going to be a mass outbreak of the Pinocchio effect in reverse. Congratulations in advance for the candor you're about to unleash. Be kind and diplomatic if you can, but insist on revealing the whole story.

And then I immediately wondered what it was I was supposed to be more honest about. In general, I'm an honest person. Maybe a little white lie here and there to ease someone's pain or not cause trouble, or stretching the truth a tad on rare occasions. But I try not to ever tell all-out LIES. So what, Brez, what on earth could I have to say?

Oh wait. You mean you aren't talking about lies? You mean you're talking about all the things I think and feel that I just keep to myself? That's what you want me to share? Oh....umm...CRAP.

There's been a lot on my mind lately as I continue to deal with the constant migraine, nausea, dizziness, and my newly discovered really really bad ear infection. I still spend most of my time solo, though I'm slowing increasing my sociability (sticking to my apartment though...the outside world is still too loud and bright most of the time), and all I've really been doing to working. There's just so much of it. So much editing but still bills that can't get paid, which means begging for freelancing.

Working and thinking. That's my life lately. I've been suffering some pretty serious depression in conjunction with all the other things too, so my mind is in overdrive and my emotions so immensely heightened I cry multiple times a day and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Right now, there's not much in my life that I'm content with...hell, screw content, there's not much I even semi-like. Everything is stressful, nothing provides comfort, and most of all, I'm constantly feeling alone. Me and Cupcake against the world. But really, that means just me because Cupcake ignores me 90 percent of the time LOL

Work. Family. Friends. Hobbies (huh? what are those?). Finances. Health. Boys. The list goes on and on. There are things I'm keeping bottled up about all of these topics, things that are eating me up from the inside out and starting to spill out my eyes. But how do I just start sharing all those things? How do I walk up to someone, tell them what I'm really feeling and thinking and what I really need without alienating them? At least when I'm alienating myself they don't notice. Pulling away isn't as in-your-face as pushing someone else away. And reasserting yourself after you've shrunken off into an empty life isn't exactly so simple. Plus, when you're in that place, the last thing you want to do is rub off negatively on someone else, the last thing you're motivated to do is try. Because all you can see is black. Anything else hurts.

Rob Brezsny: Pointing and Laughing at My Pain

2010-09-22T07:01:00.005-04:00

I'm sorry for the gap in posts, my friends. As you know I've been suffering from extreme withdrawal symptoms, including a migraine that has lasted about 8 days :( I have one more dosage level to drop, which is a bit terrifying, given things have gradually been hurting less. It's hard to imagine actively letting it worsen again :-/

Anyway, while my head allows, I thought I'd share some of this week's Brezsny wisdom.

It's like he's mocking me this week LOL I can't focus on little things, Robbie! It hurts!

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Focus on what's small and slippery, Leo. Turn yourgaze away from what's big and obvious. Exult in the salamander on therock and a friend who has a new trick and the guilty pleasure you justdiscovered; excuse yourself from obsessing about the state of theeconomy, the meaning of life, and the clash between science and religion.Your pleasurable duty is to love what's in the midst of changing, and notfixate on trying to make arrangements that will supposedly last forever.Don't just grudgingly attend to the mercurial details; dive in as if playingwith them were your central purpose.

WARNING: DO NOT TAKE EFFEXOR

2010-09-16T22:00:00.004-04:00

So, my doc put me on a new medication a while ago: Effexor. Of course, I trusted that he knew what he was doing (even though I shouldn't have for a variety of reasons). But my other doc agreed it was worth trying, so I went along with it.

I was on it for about six weeks, and got up to a dosage of 100mg/day. I noticed some strange side effects I wasn't so keen on--it made me break out like whoa--and I didn't notice it actually helping. So, next time I saw my doc, I told him I wanted off of it. He okayed and gave me a schedule to titrate my dosage down, saying that a lot of people are known to have some minor side effects from the withdrawal and that it's not the easiest medication to stop taking. Never having had withdrawal symptoms before, I figured I'd do what he tells me and I'd be fine.

WRONG.

I'm having serious, SERIOUS withdrawal issues. Issues that I told him about on the phone tonight and he claimed were NOT related to the drug. However, upon doing some research, I quickly found this site.

Allow me to give you a little glimpse into what I've been feeling the past few days:

Effexor® (venlafexine) can be a tremendously helpful medication for treating conditions like depression and anxiety. However, it also known for fairly severe and troubling side effectsoccurring when the drug is discontinued. In fact, some medical literature contends that a missed dose has been enough to cause Effexor® withdrawal symptoms, which include troubling things like nausea, diarrhea and “brain-zapping,” an electric shock type sensation that appears to originate in the head.

There continues to be complaints about the fact that patients may not be adequately informed regarding what will occur when Effexor® is discontinued, when they are first offered it as a treatment for depression. Websites exist that are devoted to complaints or comments regarding a host of symptoms that occurred when people stopped Effexor®. Some former users allege that the term “discontinuation syndrome,” which was the initial and/or continued label for Effexor® withdrawal, may have been a mistake when referring to the drug. By not using the term withdrawal, a false picture was or may still be painted that minimizes the severe reactions some people encounter when going off this medication.
Some of the common Effexor® withdrawal symptoms are insomnia or sleepiness, ringing in the ears, and a sense of agitation or increased anxiety. Mood may become very unstable, and there is a high incidence of headaches. Vomiting and diarrhea may occur in some people, while others may feel nauseous. Both confusion and hallucinations can result. Appetite may be completely diminished, which when paired with vomiting or diarrhea, might result in inadequate fluid intake and dehydration.
The “brain-zapping” effect was not initially believed to be one of the true Effexor®withdrawal symptoms, but it is now widely regarded as a fairly common one. People may feel a buzz or snap in the brain that occurs around the eyes. Some people have vision problems in the first few days or complain of blurred vision too. Other Effexor® withdrawal symptoms include terrible nightmares, sweats, trembling, or tremors.

It's just AWESOME.

I don't even know what to do to get myself feeling better. The doc told me to increase the dosage again and to start taking my new medication simultaneously, to switch over quicker and decrease the risk of major depressive episodes. But, of course, now I don't think I can trust anything he has to say. Why would anyone ever prescribe a drug known to do this to people? I wasn't even on that high of a dose, or for a lengthy duration!

Ugh. I feel like I've been hit by a truck and I want it to STOP.

Another source proving how much Effexor SUCKS --> http://www.join-the-fun.com/effexor-withdrawal.html

Alone

2010-09-15T21:45:00.004-04:00

I know I'm not the only one who's ever felt alone, who's ever felt broken, who's ever just wanted to give up. But when you feel that quake, deep down in your soul, that severing of your heart from your mind, you feel like the only person in the world who could ever understand. I haven't felt this way in a while. For that, I should be grateful. But I'm not. I used to feel it all the time. Every day I'd push through it, I'd feel it through and through and still wake up the next morning. I hated it. But I knew I'd make it, I knew how to deal with it. Now, I've been trying so hard to hold it together, wishing so desperately for the strength and the optimism and the power that I've never really possessed, that I don't know how to do it anymore. I don't know how to feel this and still believe.

...

2010-09-12T22:43:00.002-04:00

I also love TSwift. She kicks ass. That is all.

I'm in love...with a vampire

2010-09-12T22:23:00.003-04:00

Yes, that's right. I am now a Buffy-the-Vampire-Slayer watching groupie. And I'm in love with the big bad, Spike. I want to marry him and have his little vampire babies *sigh* And I want Giles to be my guy on the side. I know. I'm insane.

But can you blame me??

Spike...*swoon*

Giles...*swoon again*

HELP CLOSE THE COVE

2010-09-01T14:19:00.004-04:00

My friend Carla posted a note on Facebook yesterday about "The Cove." Given that I have been oblivious to everything lately because of craziness at work, I just now was able to check out the link she was sharing.

It had me in tears at my desk within minutes.

"Take Part" is an organization dedicated to taking action against the unethical treatment of dolphins and shutting down an area off the coast of Taiji, Japan called the Cove, where dolphins are slaughtered daily. Together with the documentary filmmakers of "The Cove" the word about is spreading.

Please read the below documentary synopsis and watch the Public Service Announcement following. Go to http://www.takepart.com/thecove to see what you can do to take action.

"The Cove" exposes the slaughter of more than 20,000 dolphins and porpoises off the coast of Japan every year, and how their meat, containing toxic levels of mercury, is being sold as food in Japan and other parts of Asia, often labeled as whale meat. The majority of the world is not aware this is happening. The focus of the Social Action Campaign for The Cove is to create worldwide awareness of this annual practice as well as the dangers of eating seafood contaminated with mercury and to pressure those in power to put an end to the slaughter.

And it’s been working. The film has been making waves since it premiered last year. Critical praise and audience awards worldwide have focused international attention on Taiji and the annual dolphin drives off the coast of Japan. Under intense pressure, Taiji called for a temporary ban on killing bottlenose dolphins. The film, which was originally rejected, was shown at the Tokyo Film Festival due to public outcry. Residents in Taiji are being tested for mercury poisoning, and for the first time Japanese media are covering the issue.
 
Close to a million people have signed on to the campaign, but this is just the beginning. The fisherman are clearly rattled, but haven’t stopped killing dolphins.

TakePart now to help shut down the cove for good.

Sad Song of the Day

2010-08-27T10:18:00.005-04:00

As I work on this art log for David Tutera's upcoming My Fair Wedding book, I listen to Pandora. I've been doing this for days now. And each day, a song comes on that makes me cry (shocker).

Today's song literally made my body shake I wanted to cry so hard (and the tears did fall briefly, yes). I don't know why. Well, I kind of do, but I kind of don't. But since I had such a strong reaction to it today, I figured I'd get it off my chest and share it with you all. A cleansing of sorts, if you will.

Photographs and Memories - Jason Reeves

Lyrics | Jason Reeves lyrics - Photographs And Memories lyrics

A Call to Arms...errrr.....Feet

2010-08-24T14:40:00.004-04:00

I've been meaning to do a quick shout out post to LG, who has designed a pair of shoes on UpperStreet.com that have been announces as finalists in their amateur shoe competition!

WOOT WOOT! ^^^^ GO LORRIE!

Of course, work has been nutso and I haven't had a chance until now :(

And of course, I still don't have all that much time so I'm going to steal Marie's post over at De-Briefed because it's exactly the one I wish I had written LOL

But get your cute butts over to Facebook and show LG some support! Instructions below!

If you believe these shoes are the most fabulous you've ever seen, here are the hot-steps to follow :
1. Go on Facebook.
2. Ignore all other notification - you're on a mission.
3. Look up "Upper Street" shoes or simply click here.
4. Fight the urge to tell me that you didn't have to follow steps 1 and 2 had you skipped ahead to step 3 and made your life much easier. Life's though like that.
5. Click the "LIKE" button on the top of the page because you have to like Upper Street shoes (who doesn't!) in order to help Lorrie out.
6. Check out the album AW10 Design Competition Top 20
7. Find Lorrie's design and click "LIKE!" because you obviously do.
Voila, there's your good deed for the day!

There's a teddy bear in your closet, isn't there?

2010-08-24T14:29:00.004-04:00

I saw this article on ABC.com and laughed out loud for about 10 minutes.

Not that I'm mocking these men, per se--I've been known to travel with my beloved Teddy once or twice (he had a nice little stint in Paris under a hotel bed until I realized four days later in a town in Normandy that I forgot him! Luckily, our trip was ending in Paris so we were able to retrieve him. PHEW!)

But it is quite amusing in a that's-so-ridiculously-cute-and-not-typically-masculine kind of way :-p

When Scott Hardy hits the road, he always makes sure to leave room in his suitcase for his stuffed animal.

That's right, the 34-year-old businessman always travels with Barkley, a stuffed beagle. No, it's not for his two daughters. No he doesn't sleep with a nightlight and no he isn't smuggling drugs.

Seven years ago Hardy's then girlfriend, now wife, gave him the doggie as a reminder of her.

"I travel enough that it's a nice reminder of home," said Hardy who runs an online legal notice company, Top Class Actions.

Housekeepers like to put it on top of his pillow or prop it up prominently on the night stand. Even when Hardy travels on an annual guys trip -- a beach trip to Mexico this year -- Barkley comes along.

"I've had some friends who are like, 'What's with the stuffed animal?'" the Phoenix-area man said. "It's just a reminder of my beautiful bride."

"Barkley stays in the suitcase when I'm home," Hardy added. "He only comes out for trips."

Hardy isn't the only adult traveling with a stuffed animal. In fact, as many as one in every four grown men might just have a teddy bear tucked away in their suitcase.

Well, in the last 12 months, British hotel chain Travelodge has reunited more than 75,000 bears with the owners. That's a lot of stuffed animals left at its 452 hotels in the United Kingdom and Spain. So the company decided to investigate a bit further.

Travelodge surveyed 6,000 Britons and discovered that 35 percent of adults admitted they sleep with their teddy because they found cuddling their bear comforting. Additionally, many said the calming feeling of a bear hug helped them lower their stress level after a hard day.
And it turns out that a large number of the bear-toting travelers are men.

Travelodge said that 25 percent of men reported they take their teddy bear away with them when going away on business. The stuffed animal supposedly reminds them of home and -- some say -- helps fill a cuddle-void left by distant partners.

One in ten single men surveyed admitted they hide their teddy bear when their girlfriend stays over and 14 percent of married men reported they hide their teddy bear in the wardrobe or under the bed when any family and friends come to visit.

[...]
Read the rest of the article HERE

LJD's Day of Pain...AKA Tattoos!

2010-08-22T10:59:00.018-04:00

So yesterday I got inked. Again.

Lorrie, Jackie, and I went to my beloved Addiction Tattoo on St. Mark's to get tattoos together. Lorrie's third, Jackie's first, and my, ummm, sixth.

It was a fab time (minus the pain)!

Our artist, Tom Solomon, was awesome. I used to go to the same guy at Addiction--Eric--but he left two years ago it seems. (My last tat was 3.5 years ago....) I'd heard great things about Tom in my research and when Lorrie went in to make our appointments, in a twist of fate, Tom is who was helping her. He wasn't technically supposed to be working on Saturday, but he agreed to come in, just for us. So very sweet!

So, we went in, talked over our designs, and then he went to work creating our stencils. When they were ready, the three of us headed back to the work area together to offer lots of support.

I went first, getting inked on my left wrist with a reiki symbol--a choku-rei. It's a symbol of power/strength and dispels and protects against negative energies, representing all seven chakras. I'd been toying with getting it for 2.5 years now, since my grandfather passed away. He was the strongest, most optimistic person I've ever known and the first time I saw the choku-rei it reminded me of him and how inspiring he continues to be, even after he's gone.

The tat took about 15-20 mins, and wasn't as bad as I'd expected. I, of course, needed Lorrie to literally hold my hand, more to calm my nerves than anything. I'd been told the wrist was one of the worst spots but it didn't hold a candle to the tat on my ankle!

<------------- Before

During ----------------->

<--------------------------------------------After

Jackie went next. She was very brave for her first tat! I was really impressed. Her tat also took the longest (about an hour or so) and she got it in a very difficult and painful spot (her inner bicep). She got a Hindu Sri Yantra symbol, which represents the union of the masculine and feminine divine or the dual natures within a person.

<---------------Before

During ----->

<------------After

Finally, it was Lorrie's turn. Lorrie was getting the most complex location--her left ribcage. Her image choice was a lotus flower--representing spiritual growth and enlightenment--with a gemini symbol--her sign--at its core. She had to lay somewhat uncomfortably, it seemed, on her side and hold herself very still. Most of the time her face was covered so we couldn't tell if she was ok or not, but apparently at one point she fell asleep LOL

<------- Before

During --------->

<--------------- After

It's that time of the week again

2010-08-10T22:42:00.004-04:00

Sometimes the Brez really freaks me out with how insanely spot on he is....

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Paul, a fortune-telling octopus in Oberhausen,
Germany, had an amazing run of success predicting the results of World
Cup competitions a while back. His technique? His handlers gave him a
succession of choices between two tasty morsels, each representing one
of the teams in a given match. The treat he picked to eat was the team
whose victory he prophesied. I wish I could access his expertise to help
me sort out your upcoming decisions. It's really important that you not
over-think the possibilities, but rather rely on simple gut reactions. Why
don't you pretend you're an octopus, and imagine that each choice you
have to make is symbolized by some food item. Ask yourself, "Which is
yummiest?"

The Things I Miss on Monday...

2010-08-09T23:12:00.005-04:00

Today's been a rough day. Not only did I feel like crap--headache, dizziness, nausea, etc., I'm guessing from dehydration and lack of sleep--but I've been on an emotional roller coaster of late that is guaranteed to just get bumpier and bumpier.

This weekend was a difficult one as well. I've had a lot on my mind and a lot of stressors pressing down on my on an hourly basis. Though yesterday, I was actually able to relax a bit (my body and mind that is), which was refreshing. My heart and my emotions, however, were basically running suicides.

I went home to NJ for the day to spend some time with my friend R (yes, this is the friend from my birthday weekend drama). We went tubing down the Delaware with his roommate and his roomie's girlfriend,and her 9-year-old son. It was the perfect weather to float down the river, beers on ice, food in a waterproof bag so we can stop along the way and picnic on the rocks.

It took a while to get everything prepared, to find proper parking spots at the beginning and end points of the trip, etc. etc., but we hit the water by the Milford bridge around 2:30, and it was smooth sailing from there until around 5/5:30 when we reached our finish line at the Frenchtown bridge. They were a glorious three hours. Lots of laughter and sunshine and splashing. R and I also got to just hang out like old times, which was amazing. Of course, about two-thirds into the trip, the magnetism between us couldn't be fought anymore and we kissed on the river. It was sweet and wonderful and continued here and there throughout the rest of the day/evening. Of course, we were called out by the fourth grader for "k-i-s-s-i-n-g" (yes, he sang the song haha it was surprisingly embarrassing). Then, when tubing was successfully over, R and I hung out at his parents' place, took a dip in their pool, and talked, again like old times but with the kisses we'd always ignored the urge for. It was comfortable and familiar but so new at the same time. Eventually, we dried off, went and got some pizza, and then he drove me to the train. It was a wonderful day but a bittersweet one. I'm still steeped in confusion, as I'm sure he is too, but I'm starting to see that this fight against my overflowing emotions is not one easily fought...

The second I left I missed it. Not only did I wish I were still spending time with him, but I just miss home. I miss the smell of the river, the sound of the cicadas, and the feeling of peace that only nature can provide. I've already been missing those things. And after finishing a book where the author described Kentucky in such a way that suddenly I teared up and wished that I lived there, going home for the day made it all that much worse.

The missing just seems to be getting harder and more intense day by day. Not only the longing to get out of the city, but "missing" in all senses of the word. I've been thinking a lot about my past--my friends, my family, my pets, my hobbies, my exes, my life--and just missing the way things used to be, hoping that somehow I can get those things back, those feelings back. I know I'm not making much sense right now--I don't even understand myself. There are just so many emotions running through me lately. I can't even keep them straight.

All I know is that there is so much about my past life that I miss, that I want to recreate somehow for the future. But I don't know how, nor do I have the ability or the assets to make it happen now. So, I just keep missing. I keep wanting to weep. I keep longing.

SOOOO EXCITED!

2010-08-04T16:54:00.004-04:00

OMG OMG OMG! NEW TAYLOR SWIFT SONG!!!!!!!! *squeeeeeeeeeeeee*

Her new album, MINE, comes out on October 25th!!!!

This is seriously the first time in years I've been excited about an upcoming album like this! I may even pre-order! *gasp!*

Rob Brezsny Rocks My World. Yes, I know You know.

2010-08-03T17:25:00.001-04:00

What an apt horoscope from the Brez today:

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): For a special episode of her TV talk show, OprahWinfrey wanted a stage set that was fabricated out of chocolate. It tookworkers 1,400 hours to construct it. When the day came to unveil thedecadent monument, Oprah offered her audience members the chance totear it apart, eat it, and take it home as plunder. They dismantled it in halfan hour. Let this be a cautionary tale, Leo. I dearly hope that the creationyou're beginning to work on will endure for a long time and continue toprovide meaning and pleasure far past the time it makes its initial splash.Build your baby to last.

Subconscious on a losing streak

2010-08-02T21:28:00.007-04:00

I feel like a moron. I once more inadvertently got myself into a situation where I could get hurt. And, of course, I did.

It's my own damn fault, so don't think I don't know that. It's just that I make these decisions based on the best possible outcome rather than the worst. I see a situation and I see what it could be, rather than what it probably will be. I guess there's an optimist in me somewhere after all--or just a moron.

I'm going with the latter.

But either way, it doesn't really matter. I still kissed one of my best friends, a guy I've known since freshman year of high school, who's been there for me, who's laughed with me, who's a character in all of my happy stories from growing up. I still kissed him knowing that he was just recently out of a long-term relationship, one that hadn't been going well for years. I still fell asleep in his arms when he crashed at my place and still didn't dare do more than kiss him because I knew that it would mean something more, knew it could never be casual with us.

He and I have forever had something between us, but the timing was always wrong. Either I'd be in a relationship, or I'd be just out of one, or he'd be in a relationship. And it just never...happened. We talked about it once.We admitted that we had feelings for each other but that it was just never the right time, that we were both scared of the ramifications if it was a bad move. So, things with us continued to not happen. Then he met someone and stayed with her until this past month.

He and I had lost touch, not out of not wanting to talk, but for reasons of which I can't even begin to understand. I know part of me shied away because I was scared that he and I would never get to find out our "what if?" and I didn't want to really accept that. Even this past week, before I even knew that he was single again, I had been talking to my therapist, telling her he was coming to my birthday party and how excited I was, and admitting to her for the first time that I'd be devastated if he got engaged to her, if we never got to see what could be. And then I found out. And all those old feelings that I've shoved into the deepest, darkest crevices of my heart, leaked out and took me over. The champagne didn't help to stop that process either.

I don't regret finally kissing him. I don't regret any of the time we spent together this weekend. I do regret being stupid, for allowing myself to forget the logistics, for acting on that decade-plus old impulse for the first time when I knew that we couldn't and shouldn't just magically be together. I don't even know that that's what I would want. But I've always known that if we ever kissed, it would matter. It wouldn't be some "no big deal I kissed my friend one drunken night and then we laughed about it" thing. It would actually be significant. And I wanted it to be. It was nice. Very nice. But, of course, it turned out just the way I would've known had I really weighed it before giving in to those feelings. It's too soon. It'd be too much. It's just our typical bad timing.

And it hurts more than I thought it would. because really, I thought I understood and was okay with it, but that's really just because I wasn't accepting it as a reality, because my subconscious was hoping and wishing that magic would just make it happen and everything would fall into place and shut that stupid conscious of mind up.

Nope.

Come on subconscious. It's time for a WIN.

A happy birthday, indeed!

2010-07-31T16:17:00.003-04:00

Well, for as down as I was feeling the other night, today I'm feeling pretty damn loved...

It's my 26th birthday today, and while I'm somewhat bummed by the fact that I haven't accomplished nearly all of what I'd hope to have accomplished when I hit 26, I've received such an outpouring of love today that I don't even have words.

Thank you all for making today so special. I've never had a birthday where I felt so cared about and so, just...like I said, I don't have the words...

All you need to do is see my friend Marie's blogpost today and you'll understand how blubbery I feel inside --> HERE

Down and Out in Astoria, New York

2010-07-29T22:58:00.004-04:00

Lately, life has been a little hard to handle. Wait, make that very hard to handle. I've been working like a madwoman, trying to juggle my own work and my bosses' work, which is increasingly difficult when one boss-lady has been out on "short-term" disability since May 12th. I've been covering most of her titles, doing edits, taking care of all approvals, dealing with any and all author issues, etc. etc. I've been trying really hard to be sure not to let anything slip through the cracks and to do a great job so that I can prove myself to the higher-ups. We all know I've been waiting on promotion for nearly a year now, and after this, that damn thing better be forthcoming. My life has consisted of little else.

Even my other boss's titles have need my attention. She's out of the office right now, off in Orlando with a slew of our authors, including my own, at the RWA National convention. And despite the fact that my injured boss couldn't go and had to cancel her flight, hotel, and registration, I still wasn't allowed to go in her stead. It's pretty silly to me, really. I know all her authors, hell, I edit a bunch of them. And my ladies are there too (well, all but one). And so, while they're all down at Disney having a blast, watching fireworks, having a drink and delicious food and laughing together, I'm sitting here at home, exhausted and stressed after another 85 things exploded at the office today--for both bosses. Isn't my life stressful enough?

I will admit that I'm jealous. I'll even admit that I'm a little bitter. I know that this is just how I have to play the game, what I need to do to work my way up that goddamn ladder. But it's such a bummer to work and work and work--so much and so hard that I sometimes don't even have time to eat, let alone eat a proper meal--and then wonder why I really bother. What am I getting out of killing myself to get everything done to perfection? Nothing really. I get my name in a book here and there, growing debt each month because my salary barely covers an apartment in NYC, and a head/back/body ache that won't quit.

Even yoga, the one source of relief and comfort that I've found lately, has become sporadic. Partially due to lack of time but also because my knee has been so painful lately. As a result, I've gained back all the weight I had lost plus a couple pounds, and that does not make me happy. I wish I had more time for it. I wish I had more time for my friends and my family. I wish I had more time for me.

I don't mean to complain, though I know I am. I just I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread sometimes. Some days I feel confident that I have a handle on things, that this is a good experience and opportunity for me. But there are other times, like now, when it all feels so useless, when I worry that no one is going to acknowledge my work in a way that's actually helpful to me, when I doubt my own ability simply because I feel like I'm not trusted or like I'm looked down upon as a pitiable little assistant who doesn't know what she's doing. And while I'm fully aware that I do know what I'm doing, that I do it well, and that I'm more efficient and thorough and well-rounded than the majority of the people I know in my similar position, the fear still creeps in and takes hold. And then I can't stop thinking that instead of singing my praises down in Florida, the people I work with--authors and editors alike--will start to think, "if she's so great, why isn't she here? I want a real editor who the company actually puts faith in." Silly, I know. But sometimes I can't help but feel a little irrational.

And to think that's only work I'm talking about now. There's so much more where that came from. Le sigh.

Lend a Helping Hand!

2010-07-23T15:14:00.004-04:00

My bff, LG, is running the NYC marathon this year! It's her first one and she's running for a great charity, ING RUN FOR SOMETHING BETTER, an organization that helps keep kids healthy and fights childhood obesity.

And she needs our help! She's a little over halfway to her fundraising goal, but not quite there yet. If you can lend a hand, we'd both appreciate it! It's for a great cause and even a few dollars will make a difference! :)

Please check out her blog HERE for more information and HERE to donate!

Thanks!

Lots of love,

Danielle

Thursday Morning UFOs

2010-07-22T08:59:00.006-04:00

So, Star 100.7 Pittsburgh is quickly becoming my favorite place to get the most random news ever.

This morning? UFOs.

After reporting that China shut down a major airport ALL DAY yesterday due to an Unidentified Flying Object, the deejays over at Star 100.7 told listeners about a UFO "expert" living just outside Pittsburgh.

Alison Kruse is a frequent "witness" to the good ole UFO--and apparently, people think the cops should use her as a resource to tracking these objects, whatever they may be. Even the "paranormal news examiner" over at Examiner.com seems to think there's something to her sightings.

Watch the below video and decide for yourself. It's a long one, but just watch the first couple minutes and get a nice Thursday morning chuckle because "oooooh, he's got a seaaaaarch beeeeeam!"...You will see:

TUESDAY Morning Ridiculousness

2010-07-20T08:36:00.005-04:00

This morning, I played around with the iTunes radio function, stumbling across Pittsburgh's Star 100.7. They were broadcasting some good music so I stuck around and checked it out as I got ready for work.

Then, on a little newsbreak, the deejays recapped a little story that was run on CBS's KDKA-T channel 2 news (it aired last night I believe?). The story profiles an elderly couple in Armstrong County, PA who have come up with a top-notch security system--an inflatable doll. Of course, the couple was robbed even with such a guard.

I was dying of laughter as I tried to put on my eyeliner and knew that as soon as I got into the office, I needed to find the news clip and share it with my beloved readers. So, without any further ado, may I present to you, some Tuesday morning ridiculousness:

Monday Morning Cuteness

2010-07-12T09:24:00.004-04:00

Ummmm, hello ridiculously cute article!

From UniqueScoop.com:

In Afghanistan, in the midst of war, many animals are lost and separated from their family. Many are found later by troops from the US, UK and Canada. Soldiers rescue these animals and get help from rescue groups that help them send these animals out of the country and to a forever loving home that they deserve.

Three US marine soldiers, Brian Chambers, Chris Berry and Aaron Shaw, started a mission to help bring home the kittens they have befriended while serving in Afghanistan . With generous donations from cat lovers and help from Noward Dogs animal rescue, Kiki and Keykey, two lovely ginger kitties, have successfully made it home in the US. Unfortunately 2 other cats, Simba and Ra-Ko, lost the battle against their illnesses a few weeks ago.
Read the rest of the article (and see a ton more adorable pics!) HERE

The Brez

2010-07-06T17:08:00.000-04:00

Must begin chanting...apparently....

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I'm not necessarily saying that you havesuperhuman levels of courage these days, Leo, but you do have morethan usual. What's even more important for the task at hand is the factthat you have an exceptional capacity for identifying the fantasies thatfrighten you and finding fresh and practical ways to deal with them.That's why I say that you now have an excellent opportunity to achieve amajor victory over your fears . . . to outwit them, outflank them, andeven dissolve them. To get started on this glorious quest, chant thefollowing ten times: "I am a crafty, compassionate warrior who findsamusement in every challenge."

Cowboy Take Me Away

2010-07-06T08:51:00.002-04:00

So, the 4th of July has come and gone, and with it, any semblence of relaxation.

I went out to my dad's house in NJ for my long weekend and forced myself to RELAX for a change. I've been so burned out with work and stress that I didn't even let myself take any work home with me. Any reading I did was for pleasure. It was lovely.

I was a little all ovre the place while home, but in a good way. I played with my little sisters, swam in the pool, ate some good food, went on a motorcycle ride with my friend Chris, star gazed from a raft in the hot tub, went to a BBQ with a group of friends from high school who I haven't seen in WAY too long, saw my grandmother, had coffee with my ex-bf/friend D (who just got his license as a masseure, so I got a little free massage, woot!), drove around a bit, and did a good bit of reading in the sunshine. I even taught the little ones how to use a Slip 'N Slide! It was a surprisingly nice and laid back weekend--something I desperately needed.

It was also just great to be back in the country. I miss the rolling hills, lush forests, galloping horses, and endless cornfields. I miss the fresh air, the slower and quieter way of life, the feel of the wind on my face as I drive along (or ride on the back of a Harley, as the case may be). I miss the STARS, the sound of crickets, even the smell of the nearby farms. I just miss it all. I wish so badly that I could move out of the borroughs, live in a house with a yard and really enjoy nature again. I even can't wait to commute (since so much of my work is done at home, I can use any travel time to and from the city very wisely and actually be able to relax more when I arrive home!). But right now, it's not in the cards for me. Until I have a dual income and find that person with whom I want to settle down, it just doesn't make sense, no matter how much I miss it, no matter how much I hate the stank of the city, the tourists who are always inevitably in my way, the crazy people on the train muttering "there is no future for you" in my ear, the angry taxi horns and sweaty subway platforms. I can't wait for the day when I can "escape" and make myself a home outside of the borroughs and just come into the city to work and on occassion, catch a show or a sporting event.

So, on that note, I'm back in the office and back to the grind. Le sigh.

2010-06-29T17:14:00.000-04:00

Oh boy....Why do you torture me so, Rob Brezsny...

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The year's half over, Leo. Let's take an inventoryto see whether you've been taking maximum advantage of the specialopportunities life has been offering you. Consider these questions: Hasthe quality of your intimate alliances become especially intense,invigorating, and catalytic in recent months? Have you created lots ofsmall miracles with the people you care about most? Have you beenwilling to risk more to get the most out of togetherness, even if it meansdealing with shadowy stuff that makes you uncomfortable? If there hasbeen anything missing from your efforts in these heroic tasks, get towork. Between now and January 2011, you'll have a mandate to go evendeeper than you have since January 2010.

The Bionic Kitty

2010-06-29T14:04:00.004-04:00

The past few days I've had so many things I've wanted to blog about--however, I've had no time in which to do it. Even right now I don't really have time.

So, instead, I'll share with you an article that is both heart-breaking and heart-warming...or at least, it's those things for all the cat-lovers out there!

Last Friday, Reuters reported Oscar the cat's successful prosthetic limb operation--the first of its kind ever to be done on felines. (Can I just add that I love how vets will replace a cat's entire leg, but I can't get my doc to replace my knee? Oh medicine...)

(Reuters) - A cat that had both its back legs severed by a combine harvester can walk again after being fitted with prosthetic limbs in a world-first operation.

Two-year-old Oscar has been given a pair of artificial limbs by veterinary surgeon Noel Fitzpatrick, using a technique developed by a University College London team.

Oscar was lazing in the sun near his home in Jersey when the accident happened last October.
He was referred to Fitzpatrick by the local vet and only a day after the three-hour operation, he was trying to stand.

Despite some infection that had to be overcome, in less than four months he was able to stand and bear weight equally on all four limbs.

"Oscar can now run and jump about as cats should do," said Fitzpatrick.

The prosthetics, called ITAPs, were attached to the bone at the amputation site and then coated with hydroxyapatite which encourages the bone and skin to grow over the metal.Artificial paws were then attached to the ends of the ITAPs.

"Our main concern has always been whether this operation would be in Oscar's best interests and would give him a better quality of life," said Kate Nolan, Oscar's owner.

Kate's husband Mike said: "We were aware that this sort of procedure is cutting-edge and also has an impact on human medicine, so knowledge about the way that Oscar's been treated can be carried over to human treatment going forward -- so that's good for everyone."

The ITAP technology is being tested in humans. It has been used to create a prosthetic for a woman who lost her arm in the July 2005 London bombings.

Confused...

2010-06-22T23:40:00.000-04:00

How can you miss someone you hardly knew? Le sigh.

2010-06-22T18:16:00.005-04:00

My Free Will Astrology today is, yet again, spot on:

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Each year, *Playboy* magazine publishes a list of the best colleges to go to if you prefer partying to studying. In its recent rankings, a top spot went to the University of Wisconsin, which was dubbed "the best beer-drinking school in the country." As a counterpoint to this helpful information, HuffingtonPost.com offered a compendium of the best anti-party schools. Brigham Young got favorable mention since it has a policy forbidding students from drinking, smoking, and having sex. The University of Chicago was also highly regarded, being "the place where fun goes to die." For the next three weeks, Leo, I recommend that you opt for environments that resemble the latter more than the former. It's time for you to get way down to business, cull the activities that distract you from your main purpose, and cultivate a hell of a lot of gravitas.

I've been being very social lately, and I'll be the first to admit it's made me lose my focus a little bit. I've been working at home less and getting distracted. I had already decided on Sunday that I was going to buckle down and really get back to it. I guess Robbie B. agrees :-p

Speaking of...off I go to edit...

2010-06-20T15:23:00.002-04:00

I just took a yoga class at a new studio in my neighborhood. Located above the Moonstruck diner, the corner space is bare and beautiful with pale blue walls on one side, exposed brick on the other, interspersed with big bay doors. The studio just opened this month I think, and I had been thinking about trying it out, only to have someone hand my a flyer yesterday as I was walking to my pool match. With the night I had yesterday and the morning I've had already today, I figured I'd go give the studio a whirl and see if I couldn't sweat out some of these toxins and release some of the negative energy that's swallowing me up right now.

Certainly the sweating part happened. In fact, I'm drenched in it at the moment (don't worry, a shower is forthcoming after this post).

The negative energy part of the practice is hard to measure, however. I feel a tad bit better now than I did before class, but so much is still clinging to me. Mostly because I have to focus so hard on my body and my breathing and don't have time to think about my family (and the emotional confrontation that I had with one yesterday morning and one this morning), my friendships (the ones that have fallen apart, the ones that are growing, the ones that I can't understand), my love life (you're up to dat there), my job (constant stress, feeling unacknowledged, barely holding my head above water)--I can't think about any of it while I'm at yoga. All I can do is look inward and try not to fall over or stop breathing.

But now...now I'm home again. I'm hoping a shower will wash away some of the upset, stress, and distance I'm feeling right now, so I can leap back into editing full-force without getting myself too easily distracted by my emotions. Plus, I need to bake a pie. Because well, pie is delicious, and I have lots of berries to make one and if I back out from that initial plan, they'll go bad. But I have a hard time baking pies when I'm upset. I'm not sure why. I guess because I don't really feel like nourishing my body or soul when it hurts from the inside out. It feels phony somehow.

A Cruel Saturday Night 180

2010-06-20T02:17:00.004-04:00

I don't have very good luck. I never have. Every time I think things are looking up in my life, something comes at me at high speed, so fast that I don't even see it until it hits me right in the heart.

Last night, I had one of the most amazing first dates of my life. It was a very close second to my number one (which of course now has bad memories, so maybe it's not number one anymore...hard to say). After a lovely dinner/dessert we played pool and listened to live jazz and then walked 60+ blocks, sat outside St. Patrick's Cathedral until 4 am just talking and laughing and kissing and confiding in one another. I haven't felt so comfortable with someone in a long, long time, and I certainly haven't felt a connection with someone like that recently either.

I'd been excited for this date for a week, and for even the prospect of the date for longer than that. I had knots in my stomach and my hands were shaking, I was so nervous. I knew how promising this date was and didn't want to screw it up before it even was something. And I didn't think I did. We had a wonderful time. Neither of us wanted to leave, both of us couldn't wait to see each other again. We texted most of the late morning and early afternoon. Some things were said that indicated an even greater potential than I had previously noted. So much so that we met up briefly for iced coffee this afternoon when I was in his neighborhood running an errand. That too was fun and lovely.

But then somehow, in the span of his 6 -hour work shift tonight, everything took a sudden 180. I received an email from him at 1 am (ironically, just as I was emailing him a sweet little message about nothing), telling me he can't do this, can't date me, he isn't ready to take that headfirst dive that we both always take when we genuinely care for someone. For any of you who know me personally, you'd know that an email would not be enough for me, that I'd demand more than that, especially after connecting with someone like that. It's a rare occurrence for me to have that happen. So, I called him, left a message, and he called back.

After talking to him for a while, I'm still a bit baffled. I understand being scared--he and I had actually had a verbal conversation about how scary it was to already care about someone like we both did. I also understand not being ready--I didn't even know what I was ready for exactly. But the potential was there, and I was so ready to explore the possibilities, to get to know him better, to take our time. It hurts more than I expected it to after such a short time of conversing with someone. It hurts to have found something with rare potential only to have it snatched away from under my feet for reasons I can't quite fathom, and reasons he can't even fathom.

I, of course, respect and appreciate his honesty. I just wish I hadn't had such strong affirmation from him that things really were possible, that maybe this could be the thing I was looking for. I know it wasn't intentional. I know he didn't mean or want to hurt me. I know he's sorry that he did, and I know he avidly told me that it had nothing to do with me, that I deserve someone who's ready to dive in and be what I need.

But what I don't know is why this keeps happening to me. I guess I just feel too much. It's like my emotions are amplified in comparison to everyone else's somehow. It's my curse, I suppose. Caring so much. Being so hopelessly hopeful. Wishing and imagining and believing. It's especially an interesting thing for me to go through because I'm not exactly the most optimistic person in the world. But I was overflowing with those things. Again. And again, they took a 180, opened their collective jaw, and bit me in the ass.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm not meant to find something wonderful, something real. Someone has to be the example of what you don't want to be, of how you don't want your life to turn out. Maybe that person's supposed to be me. I hate the thought. It makes me cry uncontrollably. But it's there, implanted in the forefront of my mind. Because, honestly, I can't think of why else my heart is broken every time I start to care, even if I haven't yet given it away.

2010-06-16T15:00:00.001-04:00

I have lost all focus. So, I shall entertain you with some LOLcats:

2010-06-15T16:26:00.003-04:00

This week, Rob Brezsny is reminding me of my sixth sense:

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The ancient Greek philosopher Plato advocatedthe use of dogs in courtrooms. He thought that canines were expert liedetectors; that they always knew when deceit was in the air. I suspectyou'll display a similar talent in the coming days, Leo. You will have a sixth sense about when the truth is being sacrificed for expediency, or when delusions are masquerading as reasonable explanations, or when the ego's obsessions are distorting the hell out of the soul's authentic understandings. Harness that raw stuff, please. Use it discreetly, surgically, and with compassion.

It's nice to have a little reminder of this--that my gut might actually know what it's "talking" about. I have a tendency of recognizing what my intuition tells me but then trying to give the situation or the person the benefit of the doubt and then my emotions take over and all logic is out the window. Not such a good way to be LOL

I'm hoping that this Free Will Astrology doesn't help me see lies where I want there to be truths. I have a very promising date coming up and I would really rather not have everything I'm liking about him turn out to be a sham!

I'm on a BUS

2010-06-10T15:27:00.000-04:00

This is my first ever blogpost on my BlackBerry. I'm sitting here on a bus in Port Authority waiting to go the the New Meadowlands Arena to see The Eagles with the Dixie Chicks and Keith Urban. I'm so ridiculously excited the woman next to me probably wants to smack me haha but she'll just have to deal.

The only downside to the concert today is that it keeps raining on and off. But I'm as prepared as I can be with my poncho, umbrella, and a jacket. So I guess we'll see what happens! It'll be fun either way =p

"You can check out anytime you want, but you can neeeever leeeaaaave!"

For all my dear, sweet Canadian readers out there

2010-06-09T08:37:00.006-04:00

I was looking on Publishers Marketplace today to find a nice topic to discuss over at Reading Between the Lines, and instead found an article about our beloved "Smarties."

My friends to the North and I have had many a discussion about what Smarties are--to them, they are candy-coated chocolate goodness, and to me (and every other American) they are heavenly pure sugar wrapped into little cellophane rolls.

Now, it seems Amazon.com is being sued by Ce De Candy Inc., the family-owned company responsible for creating the American-style Smarties for infringement, due to their sale of the Canadian-style Smarties.

Honestly, I don't quite understand what the lawsuit is about (or if Ce De Candy Inc. is actually the one doing the suing as it's fairly unclear--at least to my sleepy brain) LOL but here are the details, as reported by Bloomberg via businessweek.com:

Amazon.com Inc., the world’s largest online retailer, was sued by the maker of “Smarties” candies, which wants to stop the company from selling its products.

Ce De Candy Inc. of Union, New Jersey, claimed Amazon.com is infringing its trademark by selling Smarties made by Nestle SA for sale outside the U.S. The products that Amazon.com sells include “Nestle Smarties Chocolate 160g Box” and “Smarties in a Bay by Nestle,” according to the complaint in federal court in Newark, New Jersey.

The complaint claims Ce De Candy notified Amazon.com of a similar infringement on Dec. 15, 2008, and the retailer stopped selling the product two days later.

“We want them to stop selling it online,” Ce De Candy attorney Amy Goldsmith said today in a phone interview. “We want them to keep their word. We want them to actively monitor so that this doesn’t occur again.”

Ce De Candy is a family-run business that sells billions of Smarties candy rolls each year, according to its complaint filed June 3.

“We have a long-standing practice of not commenting on active litigation,” Mary Osako, a spokeswoman for Seattle-based Amazon.com, said in an e-mail.

Ce De Candy accuses Amazon.com of trademark infringement, unfair competition and false advertising. It seeks a halt to the online sales, unspecified damages and legal fees.
The case is Ce De Candy Inc. v. Amazon.Com Inc., 10-cv-02856, U.S. District Court, District of New Jersey (Newark).

I just thought this was amusing :-p Especially since I probably make up like half Ce De Candy's sales!

YUM.

Growing up and Letting Go

2010-06-08T01:26:00.002-04:00

Tonight one of my best friends since childhood made an impromptu visit in the city. I had plans already with LG to celebrate her birthday today--dinner and margarita's at Lucy's, followed by vegan dessert and port at Cocoa V. It was a lovely time, but still pretty early when we were done and LG was ready to go home and relax.

So, I got a hold of my friend--let's call him C--and he was just wrapping up hanging out with another of our friends from high school. I decided to head home and if C was up for it, he could come over and hang out for a little bit (which turned into about 15 minutes ago LOL). I hadn't seen him in a few months and the past couple last-minute visits yielded no time to see him as I had plans that didn't end as early as they did tonight. I was very glad to see him; I've been thinking about him a lot lately and missing having a more active friendship.

But seeing him isn't always so easy. He and I have had a very complicated relationship since we met at age 9. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, the first boy I ever loved. Then I broke his heart, we struggled with regaining our friendship, eventually did, then we got back together a few years later as seniors in high school after he spent years of still loving me (not to sound arrogant by any means. It's what he told me, not what I surmised). It was fairly short lived the second time around--just about 3 months--and this time, he broke my heart. I won't go into details about what happened, but I was devastated. Then I found someone new and just as it got serious, C made a very romantic but very infuriating at the time gesture by showing up on my doorstep in Boston my freshman year of college, asking me for another chance. I wouldn't give it to him; I was in love with someone else.

Since then, he's found someone who makes him happy, someone who I've met, spent time with, like, and respect. They've been together for nearly five years now. But every time I've see him since our break up in high school, there's still this pull between us--at least there is on my end. I feel a slight twinge of jealousy whenever I hear about them or see pictures, even when I was in happy, loving relationships myself. It's always been very strange between us, something very basic and natural about caring about each other and being drawn to one another. In a way, I always thought that down the road, maybe things would be different between us, that we'd try again if we were ever single at the same time.

Just this afternoon I was actually talking to LG about C. We were discussing all our friends our age and how everyone seems to be starting to settle down--get engaged, get married, have kids, buy houses. It's all a bit overwhelming for someone who's possibilities seem non-existent like me. And it's even more overwhelming when I realize that someone I care about very deeply has been in a relationship for so long and is likely approaching that point.

Now, C and I had never really discussed his relationship in more than a general way, so I had no idea where they were at in terms of all that stuff. But he told me tonight that he's been thinking about marriage, that they've been discussing it. He also told me that he loves her and she makes him happy, which I can clearly see. Anyone can see that really. But what I didn't know is that the passion that I find so essential in relationships, that chemistry, isn't something they really have, despite it all. And he's happily willing to give that up for all the rest of it. The expression on his face though, made me wonder what he's really thinking. It took all my energy not to ask, not to verbalize how I always imagined we might find a way to be together again, not to ask him if that passion--something I know he and I have even if it's not being exercised (which it's not)--maybe really is important to him. I felt like he wanted me to say something, but I couldn't. I don't want to cause any trouble, to hurt anyone, to make anyone doubt what they want. Granted, maybe those doubts are already planted, I don't know, but I hold his friendship too dear to say anything to him about it. All I could do was talk it out with him, tell him about how different I feel about those things, but still provide support for his happiness, no matter what he chooses to let slide.

Part of me felt heavy when he told me. My heart sighed and frowned, disappointed that the possibility of us might be gone forever. But our future possibility isn't as important as his current and possibly infinite happiness. I think he could sense what I was thinking and feeling. We've always been that way with each other. And when we hugged goodbye, I held on a little longer than I probably should have. But I couldn't not. It's the only thing I could do to communicate without communicating. I also hoped if I hugged tight enough and long enough, maybe the literal motion of letting him go would actually free me from whatever deeper, unspeakable bond he and I still have.

But, of course, now it's nearly 2 am and I'm writing about it. Clearly my plan didn't work. Not yet, at least.

Clarence the Cow-Cake is Born

2010-06-07T08:44:00.015-04:00

This weekend I challenged myself to make my first scultped cake for my friend LG's birthday--a cow cake. I was very nervous going into it and I kind of felt like I was grasping at straws trying to plan the design, but it turned out pretty well! And luckily, my sister came to visit me the day I was making it so I had an extra set of hands for the fragile bits--and take step-by-step pictures!

The cake was a dairy-free vanilla cake with a simple "butter"-cream frosting, as LG is allergic to casein, the protein in milk. It was somewhat of a challenge even to make the dairy-free cake. Not that it was difficult, but the consistency of the batter and the frosting is off because of the soy products and I'm not a very experienced dairy-free baker, so it can be a bit tricky. Once we had the batter made and looking about right consistency-wise, we lined a rectangular pyrex pan with wax paper and made the first cake. This was more of a back-up cake than anything else, as the carving of the two rounds is very precise and if I made a mistake, I'd need more. It turned out I needed more anyway, not because I messed up (I shockingly did not) but because I used 8-inch rounds instead of 9- or 10-inch, so I didn't have enough cake for little Clarence's hooves. We had a bit of dilemma with this rectangular piece though. Firstly, we hadn't smoothed the wax paper enough and an air bubble was caught in it, so it left the cake with a lovely little crater haha Secondly, I'm not sure how, but somewhere along the way we did something to the batter that made it taste like a pancake. The only thing I know I did wrong was the measurement for the baking powder, but I'm not sure if that would cause such a drastic flavor change. I guess in a way it makes sense, but it was still very strange--and made me crave syrup. The batter for the two rounds, however, came out perfectly, though we had some trouble with baking time, as the recipe I had was for cupcakes, not cake and my oven is kind of effed up as it is.

Once the cakes were completely cooled, we carefully slid the rounds into large ziplock bags and put them in the freezer for about 20 minutes. This makes them easier to ice and less likely to fall apart while carving/sculpting. When these were cold enough, we took them back out and began cutting. First, I cut off the tops of the rounds to flatten them out. I placed one full round on my cake plate as the base/body of the cow. Then we had to carve the face from the second round--a sort of oval shape that is a little large on the bottom than on the top--and the ears were carved from the leftover piece of the round. We were able to carve the bell--my own unique addition to the original design I found online--from the round. as well. There were, of course, a lot of discarded cake pieces, as you can see.

So far, so good.

Next up were the hooves, which as I mentioned before we had to carve from the "pancake" cake. When all the pieces were put together, I did a little last-minute trimming and we took a short break to eat some dinner (homemade pizza! YUM!).

Then I whipped up the frosting, and had some major consistency issues again, due to the very airy, whipped non-dairy margarine we needed to use. Once I got it thick enough (or what I thought was thick enough haha), I frosted the first layer (body and hooves. I put the bell off to the side for later). I put it in the fridge for a little bit to harden, so it'd be easier to do the second coat. When ready, I placed the face and ears on top of the body and frosted those too. I was planning to use an icing bag to pipe the top layer of frosting so it looked like a series of cool dots (as I saw HERE), but when I tried, I found out that the icing was, again, too thin for that. So I just layered the top of each cake element so that it was thick enough not to see the cake through the icing.

Now it was time to add the spots. My friend TS gave me the fab idea of using Oreo's--one of LG's faves and already dairy-free--so I ground a bunch up in my food processor and used the pieces to make the spots. This was one of the hardest parts of the cake because the oreo kept getting everywhere and it was very difficult to control how and where it fell off the tiny spoon I was using. When I had them done "well enough," I used the leftover icing to frost the bell, dyeing it yellow with a couple drops of food coloring. Then, with some green decorating gel, Erica made the eyes and I put an "LG" in the bell to tag the cow we had by then dubbed "Clarence" to his "owner." :-p

And TADA!!! Meet Clarence the Cow-Cake, everyone!

The next day, off we went to the party where Clarence had his bell yanked off and eaten by a slightly tipsy birthday girl, had his nose bitten into by said b-day girl, and was enjoyed by all.

Poor Clarence.

Bummed and Confused

2010-06-05T00:42:00.004-04:00

I wish I understood why people--boys in particular--are so confusing. One minute you're super excited about someone new and the feeling seems 100% mutual. And then the next, you're blindsided by a baffling change of heart. If I understood what went on in their heads, maybe I could figure them out and feel a lot less bummed and rejected for no apparent reason.

In this specific instance, I'm supposed to have the situation explained to me tomorrow. I guess something happened between this morning's flirty email and this evening's "I can't be more than friends with you right now" conversation, but I can't for the life of me figure out what would've caused that 180. All I know it's something "a bit strange" and "sad." I'm at a complete loss.

It's really bothering me that I'm this bummed and confused about what happened. It's not like I even know him very well, really we're just scratching the surface of each other. I guess I just felt like we connected on a variety of different levels and I haven't felt that effortless comfort in quite some time. I suppose I just feel like the potential it could have had is no more.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid, I don't know, but it pretty much sucks either way.

Namaste

2010-06-03T08:55:00.002-04:00

Last night I attempted yoga for the first time since my knee injury 5+ years ago. LG and I went to Yoga to the People in the East Village for their ever popular donation-based yoga class.

I was able to do about half of the poses and movements, but the other half were too hard on my knee or twisted/put pressure on it in the wrong way. I was pretty upset about that, I'll admit. But even just the half I did was amazing, so I'm trying to focus on that part.

But let me just say, I have never sweat so much in my life. It was semi-ridiculous. The portion of the class that I could do was super intense. My mat was like a swimming pool and Slip 'n Slide all at once. I now know to bring a big towel and a massive bottle of water. It was pretty gross haha

It was also slightly embarassing. Especially since no one else was sweating as much as I was..and they all did the entire class. I tried to do some poses while I was unable to do what the instructor directed--downward dog to plank to upward dog, just downward dog, half lifts, etc.--but I felt silly not following along with everyone else. I know I need to be less self-conscious and just focus internally--that's kind of the point of yoga haha--but I have a really hard time with it. Definitely something to work on. Plus I was crazy tired because I haven't worked out like that in years because of my knee. I guess I just have to keep at it until I'm a) stronger and less sweaty, and b) able to really pull myself out of the room and meditate as I yoga it up.

I'm going to do some research and try to find some movements that are easy on the knee so I can do those during class (and at home on my own) when I can't participate in poses like Warrior 3, Reverse Warrior, Pigeon, etc. etc. I hope my knee can handle all this because I definitely want to get back into yoga. I miss doing it 3 times a week like I did in college!

2010-05-28T10:34:00.002-04:00

Clearly, I had a rough night last night. That's an understatement for sure, but whatever. Today isn't much better though it's slightly more bearable. I even have a theme song for the day, courtesy of LG. It's my new obsession

2010-05-27T22:35:00.003-04:00

I can still hear your laugh

Echoing in my heart

I can still feel your kiss

Aching in my soul

A shattered piece of heaven

Thrust into my core

Bleeding out

Spinning away

Fading into oblivion

Nothing I can do

To stop the spiral

From swallowing me whole

If only I could stop the sirens

If only I could turn off the sting

Maybe then I could stand still.

2010-05-26T08:53:00.000-04:00

Thanks for the free-pass this week, Rob Brezsny!

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I'm a compassion freak. Empathy is a fetish ofmine. My predilection is to comfort the afflicted, champion the underdog,and fight for the rights of people who have been given less than I. Andyet there's also a part of me that's a pagan libertarian anarchist. Isubscribe to the idea that pretty much any kind of behavior is fine andgood as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. Now that you Leos are in the"anything goes" phase of your astrological cycle, this full-permission partof me is rising to the forefront, eager to encourage you to go for broke,take it to the limit, and get away with everything you can get away with -- on one condition, which is that it doesn't harm anyone, including you.

Heh.

2010-05-24T08:55:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, my good friend TS and I went to the west village to check out a couple Pagan shops so that I could get what I needed to start using my beautiful tarot deck. One of the shops was no longer standing but the other--Stick Stone and Bone--was alive and well.

The shopkeeper was a little kooky, as is likely at such places it seems haha but it was a fun and productive excursion. The shop sold mostly crystals, though also touted a variety of other fun items--incense, candles, and the like. We left the shop with nearly everything we came for and then some. I purchased two crystals--a rose quartz (representing love, inner peace, and heart-healing) and a purple gold stone (a master healer stone with undercurrents of dreams and the stars). I also have a string of amythysts--protection, wisdom, dreaming, etc.--at home already so I added that to the mix when we were back and organizing everything. I also got a Creativity candle made of irish, rose, and cinnamon--it's lovely. Then we made our way to a little Tibetan shop around the corner (I forget what it's called *blush*) where I could get a gorgeous cloth( aka scarf haha) to wrap my tarot, some stress-healing incense, and a little holder. Like I said, it was quite the productive shopping trip!

Later that night, TS and I prepared all my stuff. He had very sweetly bought me a smudge stick so I could cleanse my cards, crystals, etc. and align them to my own personal energy. So, we did that, plus he cleansed my aura and we did a few readings. It was really interesting and spiritual and powerful. I miss feeling that energy and am really glad I'm exploring these new methods. I still have A LOT to learn and need to practice, but I'm loving the new experience!

2010-05-22T19:45:00.003-04:00

I've never understood why people lie, what makes them decide to be so insincere when all you've ever done is be honest with them. I had this happen to me tonight and I really just don't get it.

Anyone who knows me is aware that honesty is my thing. I'm always genuine, considerate, and forthcoming with my thoughts and feelings because I know how much it can affect someone you care about, or even someone you barely know. There are, of course, times when little white lies are the lesser of two evils, but it's rare for me to choose that route. This is something I always tell people straight-up: lie to me and that's it. We're done.

But it seems that despite this very open knowledge, many people in my life--both large and small--choose to lie to me anyway. Do people not understand that the lies are always discovered? That truth is really the only safe bet? I'd much rather be aware of a situation's reality upfront and be disappointed than operate on one "truth" and then find out it's not a truth at all and be hurt. I think most people would rather that path. This only confuses me further because one would think that if a person believe that, he/she wouldn't lie either. But people do. And I don't think I'll ever understand it.

2010-05-13T11:03:00.001-04:00

I've been wanting to see the musical "Wicked" for ages. And now, after my GBF sent me the link to today song of the day, I want to see it even more! EEK!

"Not That Girl"

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy

But I'm not that girl:
Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in
Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows

I'm not that girl:
Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl

2010-05-12T09:55:00.003-04:00

This week's Free Will Astrology is apt yet again:

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): According to a statute in the state of Indiana, you
may not use your bare hands to catch a fish from a lake. In Fairbanks,
Alaska, you're breaking the law if you let a moose slurp an alcoholic drink.
In Flowery Branch, Georgia, you may be arrested if you shout out "Snake!"
Arizona doesn't permit you to let a donkey sleep in your bathtub. And yet
I've got to say that you Leos could probably get away with all of these
acts and more in the coming weeks. The omens suggest that your levels
of freedom are extremely high, as is your amount of slack. You'll have
clearance to do many things you wouldn't normally be able to do.

I laughed out loud when I read this, not only because ridiculous laws crack me up (I had a book of them as a kid...I can't remember where but it's illegal in some state to grow a giraffe in a glass jar. Yes, that's right.), but because I'm off to Indiana this weekend for my sister's college graduation.

I've never been to Indiana before, but I hear this isn't all that much to do. Perhaps I will find a lake and snag a fish out with my bare hands. I'm a rebel.

2010-05-11T19:18:00.002-04:00

I'm sitting at home in my pajamas, trying to rest. Yes, that's right, I'm sick again. I went to get some tests done today to see what's going on, but I have to wait about a month to find out. FUN. So, for now, rest and antibiotic to knock this sucker out of me.

But I'm anxious. I can't sit still. I have a million thoughts running around in my head and it's driving me nuts. I tried some deep breathing, but of course, i coughed up a lung instead.

I can't even think straight right now. All I want to do is curl up on the couch and cuddle. Cupcake won't have it though, so she's curled up in her own little cathouse, having no interest in me whatsoever. And my GBF (gay boyfriend haha) had plans tonight so he's not around to keep me company. And there's only one other person who has been around me lately that could potentially already have whatever it is I have just from being in my vicinity and clearly, not here to cuddle. It'd be nice though...

I don't know why, but when I'm sick sometimes I just want to be held. I guess it makes me feel like someone's taking care of me like my mom used to, instead of me always having to do everything for myself. Don't get me wrong, I love being independent; I'm very proud of my ability to take care of myself. But sometimes, just every once and a while, it's nice to have someone bring me soup and scoop me up and just snuggle with me.

Bring on the hobbies. Because I have SO much free time.

2010-05-04T15:43:00.003-04:00

A good friend of mine read my tarot cards over the weekend. I'm not sure what exactly I believe about astrology yet, though I do think the energy of the universe and the stars have some sort of strange effect on all of us.

I won't go on to tell you my actual reading, but let me just say that it made total sense for me right now. We read his tarot as well and his was clear too.

I've always wanted to learn about tarot--you all know I enjoy my weekly Free Will Astrology, so shouldn't be too shocked ;)--and am now very curious about getting a deck of my own and playing around with it. Even if it's a bunch of nothin' it'll be fun :)

speaking of Rob Brezsny...this weeks' Free Will Astrology:

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The exact height of Mt. Everest has provedchallenging to determine. Even using modern scientific methods, differentteams of surveyors have come up with varying measurements. Theproblem is not simply with the calculations themselves. The world's tallestpeak is definitely evolving. Shifts in the earth's tectonic plates work toraise it up and move it northeastward. But there's also evidence that themelting of its glaciers due to climate change is causing it to shrink. Amember of one mountain climbing expedition said, "If Everest is bobbingup and down, we must hope to catch it on a low day." I bring this to yourattention, Leo, in order to offer you a metaphor for the coming weeks.Your version of Mt. Everest is shriveling. Get ready to ascend.

Games, Games, Games

2010-05-04T09:09:00.003-04:00

Those of you who know me are aware that I'm a surprisingly assertive person.

For some reason, people expect me not to be. Maybe it's my somewhat shy demeanor or seemingly demure appearance (or so I'm told...I don't see it haha), but no matter, they're always shocked when I take action in my life in a way that most girls probably wouldn't.

I've always been the kind of person to speak up when something's unfair, to go talk to the manager of a restaurant when his/her employees are incompetent, to tell her friends when their doing something hurtful or worrisome, to write a letter to the city of Boston (for example haha) when I found there were no trash cans along a long stretch of Commonwealth Avenue that unintentionally encouraged littering.

I've also always been the kind of girl who refuses to play all the "dating games." As far back as my very first crush in fourth grade, I've sucked it up and made my feelings known. I've told boys when I liked them, asked them questions when I wanted answers, contacted them when I wanted to talk to them even if it went against "the rules."

I always prided myself on this particular quality. It's honest and genuine and brimming with the hope to affect change. I'm realizing, though, that there's a slight problem with this kind of assertiveness. In my protest against the traditional "rules" I'm finding that, while I try to be clear with my feelings, thoughts, and intentions, I am questioning those of my "opponent." When you're the one always taking initiative, it's hard to tell if people on the opposite side is responding because they actually want to and have similar feelings/thoughts/intentions or if they're reacting simply because. I also find that, as a result, I sometimes don't get to feel the "the girl." LOL And I want to be the girl.

So, I think, while I like being assertive and will never hide that quality from anyone in my life, I need to learn how to let someone else have a turn being assertive. After all, you can't play a game of chess (or win one) without giving the other person time to think our his/her next move and execute it.

I am, however, very impatient. So think fast people. ;)

FACT: My authors are the BEST.

2010-05-04T08:44:00.002-04:00

I am one lucky girl. I officially have the sweetest authors :)

Here's yesterday's blog post by Daphne Martin, the heroine of Gayle Trent's cozy mystery series I edit here at Gallery Books (Look for the first installment, Murder Takes the Cake, in May 2011!):

Killer Cakes – Issue 12 - Posted on May 03 2010
Welcome!
This past week I heard from Gayle’s editor Danielle that she’s been roped into making a cow cake for her best friend’s birthday. Danielle has never done a sculpted cake, and she asked my advice. I advised Danielle to rent Season 1 of Ace of Cakes. However, I have been able to find some sculpted cake instructional videos to share with you. So, rather than spotlight a particular bakery in this issue, we’re spotlighting sculpting cakes.
Technique Spotlight: Sculpted Cakes
Here is a video instructing viewers in how to make a sculpted dog by Elisa Strauss of Confetti Cakes. Too cute!

A Scary Sunday Morning

2010-05-02T08:37:00.004-04:00

In the wee hours of the morning today, a car bomb was found in Times Square. Smoke was seen coming from the vehicle--a Nissan Pathfinder--but luckily, the bomb had not yet been detonated, according to CNN:

A T-shirt vendor who noticed smoke coming out of a tinted, dark green sport utility vehicle alerted police to what turned out to be a potential bomb placed in Times Square.

"We avoided what could have been a very deadly event," said Mayor Michael Bloomberg early Sunday morning. "It certainly could have exploded and had a pretty big fire and a decent amount of explosive impact."

President Obama, who was updated on the situation late Saturday night, said the federal government was prepared to provide support. The Department of Homeland Security also said it was monitoring developments.

Two federal officials said Sunday it was too early to tell whether the incident involved al Qaeda or another international terror group. The national threat level remained at "yellow," or elevated.

Officials said authorities are going through video from dozens of surveillance cameras in Times Square to determine who left the Nissan Pathfinder with its engine running and hazard lights flashing on a street shortly after 6 p.m. Saturday.

Inside the vehicle, police found three propane tanks, two filled five-gallon gas containers, two clocks with batteries, consumer-grade fireworks and a locked metal box that resembled a gun locker.

Read the rest of the article HERE

I don't know about anyone else, but this whole thing scares the shit out of me.

A Moooo Cow Sort of Day

2010-04-29T12:16:00.009-04:00

My good friend LG just asked me if I would do her the honor of making her birthday cake this year. With visions of "Cake Boss" and "Ace of Cakes" in my head, I jumped up and down at the idea. I knew right away that I wanted to make my very first sculpted cake.

One of my authors writes cake decorating cozy mysteries--they're really fun!--and I'm going to beg her for tips (and you too, Marie!), but I'm sooo ready for the challenge.

I've decided on a cow cake because of LG's unexplainable obsession with them. I've let her in on that part of the cake, but she gets no hints at the actual design. So far, I've found some great templates to consider HERE. For example:

LG likes this one:

But I said hellllssss no, my first sculpted cake will not be so vertical haha or have fondant! That would have DISASTER written all over it!

A Monday Morning Funk

2010-04-26T11:54:00.003-04:00

After yesterday's five hours of volunteering (in the rain) followed by seven hours of freelancing pretty much nonstop, I'm in a funk. Not only because I'm physically and mentally exhausted, but because I'm emotionally drained as well.

My dreams this weekend were stressful as ever, spanning topics from work to volunteering to heartbreak to death. I ran the gamut.

Saturday was the second anniversary of my grandfather's death (I blogged about him here), and it hit me pretty hard. I found myself randomly crying throughout the day and was missing him a great deal. It's strange how last year it didn't have this same effect on me. I guess last year it didn't quite feel real yet that he was really gone.

Then, on top of that, I started writing a really intensely emotional and disturbing scene in my novel. Dealing with the characters' emotions are kind of the same as dealing with them myself. It's especially difficult because the scene explores emotions I've never actually felt in reality, at least not in any big way.

And finally, I had to write an email to my ex last night that I really didn't want to send. But I had been thinking about it and putting it off for nearly a week and I knew I had to suck it up and do it. It sucks when you have to enact the whole "when you love someone let them go" thing, escpecially when you hate the idea of not having him/her in your life, even if it's just temporary.
I cried for a while last night trying to just get the emotions out, but I still feel clogged with sadness.

So, naturally, because of my funk, I turned on Taylor Swift this morning to try to up my spirits with her peppiness. And even more naturally, the first two songs that came on were the two that make me cry (about various things) LOL

Figures.

"Breathe" - Taylor Swift

I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
BreatheWithout you, but I have to

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry

"White Horse" - Taylor Swift

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time
'Cause I honestly believed in you

Holding on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should have known, I should have known

That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

Baby I was naíve,
Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance,
My mistake, I didn't know,
To be in love you had to fight to get the uppper hand

I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings
Now I know

I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me
Just like I always wanted,
But I'm so sorry

'Cause I'm not your princess
This ain't our fairytale
I'm gonna find someone, someday
Who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world,
That was a small town
There in my rear view mirror,
Disappearing now.

And it's too late for you and your White Horse
Now its too late for you and your White Horse
To catch me now.

2010-04-23T00:33:00.002-04:00

My cousin's band, Ghost of Gloria, just officially signed a contract with EMI Records!!!

YAYYYY!!!! I'm so happy for him (and his bandmates!) that I'm kind of crying right now LOL

Ready for Take Off, 30 Seconds to Mars

2010-04-21T08:57:00.005-04:00

Tonight is the much-awaited 30 Seconds to Mars concert and I couldn't be more stoked! While their new album, "This is War," isn't nearly as good melodically as their second (my personal favorite), "A Beautiful Lie," the lyrics for most songs on "This is War" are pretty darn powerful--and thought-provoking.

Take the title song, for example:

This is War - 30 Seconds to Mars

A warning to the people
The good and the evil
This is war
To the soldier, the civillian
The martyr, the victim
This is war

[Chorus] It's the moment of truth and the moment to lie
The moment to live and the moment to die
The moment to fight, the moment to fight, to fight, to fight, to fight
To the right, to the left
We will fight to the death
To the Edge of the Earth
It's a brave new world from the last to the first
To the right, to the left
We will fight to the death
To the Edge of the Earth
It's a brave new world
It's a brave new world

A warning to the prophet, the liar, the honest
This is war
To the leader, the pariah, the victim, the messiah
This is war

[Chorus]

I do believe in the light

Raise your hands up to the sky
The fight is done
The war is won
Lift your hands
Towards the sun
The war is won

When I heard this song I, of course, thought it was written about current events--the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan still waging on and on until we've "won." So the first thing I did was wonder what Jared Leto's intent was in writing these particular lyrics: is he a republican? does he support the war in the middle east? does he want to rally the troops?

Naturally, I went to my good friend Google to help me find some answers. I haven't really been following what the band has been up to in the four years between albums, so I was surprised by what I found out.

In 2008-2009, the group was involved in a pretty vicious lawsuit with their previous record label, Virgin Records (wikipedia.com):

The label sought $30 million in damages, claiming that the band had failed to produce three of the five records they were obligated to deliver under their 1999 contract with the now-defunct Immortal Records. In 2004, Virgin took over the contract. Leto responded to some of the claims in the suit on the band's website and was coerced into dismissing rumors that the group had disbanded. He said the claims were "ridiculously overblown" and "totally unrealistic", before stating "under California law, where we live and signed our deal, one cannot be bound to a contract for more than seven years." 30 Seconds to Mars had been contracted for nine years, so the band decided to exercise their "legal right to terminate our old, out-of-date contract, which, according to the law is null and void."

The case was settled in 2009 with 30 Seconds as the victor. And what came of this struggle with Virgin Records? Their album--and song--"This is War." Leto was basically sticking it to the man. After the album's release in December, Leto explained it all to MTV:

We spent two years of our lives working on that record, and it was us against the world... There were times that it was overwhelming. Everything that was going on was brutal... It was a case of survival, to tell the truth (wikipedia.com).

Not only was I intrigued by the actual v. imagined The song then leads directly into "100 Suns," the next track on the album, in such a smooth transition that many people don't even recognize that the song actually changed--I didn't the first time I heard it:

100 Suns - 30 Seconds to Mars
I believe in nothing
Not the end and not the start
I believe in nothing
Not the earth and not the stars
I believe in nothing
Not the day or not the dark
I believe in nothing
But the beating of our hearts
I believe in nothing
100 suns until we part
I believe in nothing
Not in sin and not in God
I believe in nothing
Not in peace and not in war
I believe in nothing
But the truth in who we are

The implications of these lyrics are powerful and contradictory, much like rest of the album. Not only was the band atwar with the music industry, but it's like the words themselves are at war with one another. Giving a shout to the reality of human nature and the complete and utter complexity and duality of it all, 30 Seconds to Mars definitely addresses some serious and controversial topics in their new album.

Personally, I think that's one of the greatest things music can do--make people think and feel and dig deeper.

Ok, that's enough rambling from me...and to think it was all to say:

WOO! 30 SECONDS TO MARS CONCERT TONIGHT!!

This week's Free Will Astrology

2010-04-20T16:06:00.001-04:00

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I have compiled a set of four affirmations that Ithink will keep you on the right track in the coming weeks. Try sayingthem at least twice a day. 1. "I am cultivating Relaxed Alertness, becausethat will make me receptive to high-quality clues about how to proceed."2. "I am expressing Casual Perfectionism, because that way I willthoroughly enjoy being excellent, and not stress about it." 3. "I am full ofDiligent Indifference, working hard out of love for the work and not beingattached to the outcome." 4. "I am practicing Serene Debauchery,because if I'm not manically obsessed with looking for opportunities tocut loose, those opportunities will present themselves to me with graceand frequency."

LOVE IT.

2010-04-20T08:43:00.002-04:00

I was on the subway this morning heading into work, casually minding my own business and reading a new book, when a man's voice reaches out over the din of early-morning murmers and too-loud headphones. Another beggar, I thought instantly. Great. So, I sat up straighter in my seat and pulled my book closer to my face. But I couldn't not listen to what he had to say.

That's how it usually goes. And normally, I reign myself in tight and try to send telepathic messages to the beggars to go to a shelter or a soup kitchen and figure out how to get a job and pull themselves back up to their feet. I don't usually give them money; if anything, I usually give them food (or buy it for them...I bought a bagel with cream cheese for a homeless Vietnam Vet once, for example).

But every so often, I sense something genuine in someone, a real desperation and honest need. I like to think I have a fairly good radar when it comes to whether or not someone is telling the truth or just trying to scam subwaygoers and/or passersby. This morning, I felt the latter.

A homeless ex-con whose mother just died and who doesn't want to go back to prison gave a surprisingly moving plea for help--spare change, food, prayers, anything. Polite and soft-spoken, the mixture fear and hope in his eyes couldn't have been been created for effect. So, I dug into my purse and pulled out the orange I was taking to work for my afternoon snack. It was the most perfectly ripened orange I've ever had and I was more excited than I probably should admit to eat it later. But I didn't think twice--when the man came by me, I stuck my hand out and gave it to him.His rough fingers brushed mine and he looked me in the eye and said "Thank you for your kindness. God bless you." I looked back and said "You're welcome. Take care of yourself." He smiled sadly and went on his way, and I leaned back in my seat hoping that things would work out for him, that somewhere along the way he'd be able to get a job, find a place to live, and start rebuilding his life.

It always shocks me how many homeless people there are in cities, especially New York. And it breaks my heart every time I think about it (though when I see them pee on a mailbox, I don't exactly feel sympathy). It's devestating how far some people fall and how broken they are afterward, so fractured that they can't get their lives together again.'

To give you an idea, there were nearly 11,000 homeless families living in New York City in 2009. More than 9,000 of them slept in shelters, which is at least a little bit reassuring, though simultaneously so sad I can't even put it into words.

Every year, the Coalition for the Homeless collects data and puts together a report on homelessness in NYC. This year's results were astounding--and not in a good way:

According to the State of the Homeless 2010, the past year was the worst year for homelessness since the city began collecting data 25 years ago, with a record breaking 39,000 homeless New Yorkers sleeping in municipal shelters each night; a new peak of 39,256 adults and children slept in shelter on the night of January 31, 2010. This year, city also saw over 10,000 homeless families in shelters each night for the first time ever. Since last year, the number of homeless adults and children in New York City shelters each year has increased by 7 percent.

Read more of the report summary HERE

I wish there was more we could all do to help. But there are numerous ways you can lend a hand. If you can afford it, you can give monetary donations to the Coalition for the Homeless to help with shelters and job placement. You can even donate stocks and securities. You can do volunteer work (I'm a member of New York Cares and highly recommend it) and help out in a soup kitchen. You can give clothing and books and other in-kind items to shelters (though these donations are somewhat limited).

Or you can even just give a smile and have a little compassion. Because even though it doesn't seem like much, kindness can go a long way.

Go to http://www.coalitionforthehomeless.org/ to find out how you can help.

Growing Up and Up and Up and Up

2010-04-17T23:25:00.003-04:00

When we reach our eighteenth birthday, suddenly we're labeled an "adult." We can vote, fight for our country, be our own legal guardians. We're "grown ups." But as the years pass, I'm learning over and over again that we're all still evolving, we're all still growing up. Some of us are further along than others, even at the same age, and some of us may never catch up. There will always be people who can't stand up to their parents, won't take initiative over their own lives, and don't handle situations very maturely. It'd be ideal if we all could grow at the same pace so we'd never have to feel ahead or behind our peers, so relationships of any kind--romantic, friendships, work-related--won't be so difficult. It's so much easier to see eye-to-eye with someone that's actually at the same level.

I've been running into this problem a lot lately, in various areas of my life, and I've gotta say, it's utterly exhausting and endlessly frustrating. Sometimes I just want to grab a person by the shoulders, shake them, and yell "grow up faster!"

Naturally, I can't. All I can do is try to be patient and wait till that person learns how to take chances or to be independent or to experience life in a way that opens up his or her eyes. I can try to help by sharing my own experiences or by guiding in whatever way I can, but in the end, it's not up to me. It's up to each of us to push ourselves harder and make it happen.

But when you're as impatient a person as I am--or as much of an "old soul"--it's a bit harder to do than to say. It can hurt to sit around waiting, wishing things were different, and you can feel like you aren't going to make it, like you're going to lose everything simply because you're here and they're there. And sometimes you do lose it all. Sometimes you break down and melt down and just plain die a little inside to realize you've done everything you can do and it's just not enough because you have absolutely no control.

All you can do is keep breathing and keep growing up. And maybe hope that someday it won't be so hard.

It's a Mute Math Kind of Day

2010-04-16T08:49:00.003-04:00

In less than a week, I'm finally seeing on of my favorite bands live on stage--30 Seconds to Mars, headlined by Jared Leto. I've been waiting for them to go on tour for a couple years now so I'm totally stoked.

It also turns out that their opening act--Mute Math--is a band my good friend Russ loves. In fact, he said they are one of the best live bands he's ever seen. So, he burned me a CD so I could prepare for the show.

I listened to it when I was getting ready for work this morning and, naturally, the first two songs that came on shuffle were shockingly appropriate given current events in my life. The songs are kind of contradictions but somehow, they both still apply.

So, without further ado, here are today's TWO songs of the day, off the album "Armistice":

CLIPPING by Mute Math
Feeling overload
Carrying bottled skies around
I've been drowning all along
Wearing out in a faltered sea
And I give up

Common sense failed again
Meddling in a foreign scene
Foreign dream
Time won't spare another sun
Daring me with another choice another choice

Anymore I don't know who to fight anymore
I don't know what is right anymore anymore

Anymore I don't know who to fight anymore
I don't know what is right anymore anymore

Anymore I don't know how to feel anymore
I don't know what is real anymore anymore

Anymore I don't know who to trust anymore
I don't know what I want anymore anymore

Anymore I don't know who to blame anymore
I don't know what to say anymore anymore

Anymore I don't know what I want anymore
I just don't know anymore

ODDS by Mute Math
Back and forth the same
Be careful how you frame
Your argument
Your argument

We've been given all we can
And it finally
Showed the end
Of our tolerance
Our tolerance

I know it's hard to say
But throw it all away
But the odds are
We'd be better off

And it's a painful thought
To try another start
But the odds are
We'd be better off

Cast another vote
In our sad terminal
Democracy
Democracy

The word is out on us
We have gone delirious
The floor isfalling out from
Under us
It always does

I know it's hard to say
But throw it all away
But the odds are
We'd be better off

And it's a painful thought
To try another start
But the odds are
We'd be better off

Welcome to the Anger Zone.

2010-04-15T16:19:00.002-04:00

Sometimes it is very important to remind yourself that IT'S OK TO BE ANGRY.

Now is one of those times, Danielle.

It's also ok to scream. Just not at work.

My very first blog award

2010-04-13T18:20:00.004-04:00

My friend Erin up in Canada is one of the sweetest people I know. I met her through a Canadian Military Girlfriends online support group back when I actually was a CMG. She--and several others--helped me through such tough times while I was dealing with the CF (Canadian Forces for those of you who are new readers and don't know all about my previous life haha), and even now that I'm not part of that group anymore, she's still there for me. And I am so very grateful to know her.

On top of all that, she's goin' around givin' me blog awards :-p because she's not good enough to me already *insert sarcasm here* "The Honest Scrap Award" for my pretty much unabashed honesty on this blog haha at least that's what I'm taking it to mean. My honesty is definitely something I pride myself on and it's nice to be recognized for it in some way, so thank you, Erin!

Now, in order to officially accept this award, I have to abide my a few rules:

1. Brag about the award. See above!

2. Include the name of the blogger who gave you the award and link back to that blogger.

3. Choose a selection of blogs that you find brilliant in honest content.

4. Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with this award.

5. List at least ten honest things about yourself.
………then pass it on with the instructions!

Ten honest things about me...hmmm....

1. I hate condiments. Yes, that's right. All of them. The only pseudo-condiment I will eat is A-1. And no, salad dressing does not count--it falls more in the sauce category of my world.

2. I am obsessed with my cat. There, I admit it.

3. I'm often afraid that my heart's been broken so many times and so badly that I'll never be able to fully let anyone in again.

4. When I was a little girl, I was a total tomboy. Even now, I still don't feel feminine most of the time. So much so that I think people will mistake me for a boy, though it's totally illogical and I don't actually look like a boy.

5. I fear I have no real talents. I'm just mediocre at everything.

6. My favorite food is cake. Yup. Mmmm.

7. One of my favorite things to do in the world is cook dinner for my friends. In the past few years I seem to have developed that Italian mentality about loved ones eating together and nourishing not only their bodies but their souls.

8. I want to be a better writer than I am, but don't think I ever will be.

9. I have a list of 10 things I want to do in my lifetime. I think I've only done one of them. and I'm a quarter done my life at least.

10. I'm afraid that if I have kids, they won't be cute and I won't be as attached to them as other mothers. If I have an ugly baby, I'm going to know it. No denial for me in that area. LOL.

Now, after that last gem of a truth, a few of my favorite honest blogs (in no particular order, and I don't believe I can put the person who gave me the award on here, though I heart her blog to pieces!):

Big Girl, Bigger City -- My good friend LG runs this blog where she writes about anything and everything no matter how personal or PC. She just writes what she thinks and feels and I think it's fabulous. It's a very fun, very real chronicle of life in NYC.

Debriefed -- Another lovely lady I met through CMG, Marie is well-versed in all things crafty and so self-aware that it makes me jealous sometimes! She posts helpful tips about all kinds of things (recipes, wedding planning, moving to a new home, etc.) and also offers a great deal of honest insight into, not only her own life, but things about the universe that some of us might like to deny.

Borrowing Heaven, Subletting Hell -- This blog belongs to my amazing author, Allison Pang. She's hilarious and not afraid to show herself in each and every post and I love it. Her confidence, verve, and imagination are just incredible to me, and I'm so lucky to get to work with her (and be her friend, if I can be so bold as to claim that role as well haha).

TA-DA!

Past midnight and SO past my medical problems

2010-04-06T02:22:00.003-04:00

I woke up about 20 minutes ago in a coughing fit. Again. Woo.

Naturally, I don't have any cough medicine because I used it all up a couple weeks ago. So, I dug through my medicine cabinet until I found the lone Theraflu I had left, boiled was H20, and am drinking away.

I don't know why I'm still sick. I've been on amoxicillin for nearly a week now, after already trying a dose of some other antibiotic a few weeks ago, followed by another weeklong treatment of Semprex. Last week they ran some more tests, but I'm still waiting for my results. I'll have to call about 20 times tomorrow until they tell me the results of my chest x-ray. I won't be shocked if I walking pneumonia by now. My blood tests and throat culture won't be back until later this week though, which bites given I leave on Thursday night for Cali and was really hoping to be all squared away by then.

On top of all that, I had another MRI of my knee a couple weeks ago, this time with contrast to see if maybe it showed anything else. I still have an MCL sprain (as I did when I had my last MRI this past August), and now the scan shows some pretty serious cartilage damage and deterioration (technically Chondromalacia Patella, worsening from August's "simple" thinning of the catilage). My kneecap apparently has been grinding against my cartilage and kind of shredding it, to put it in the least gross way I can. On top of that, I still have my delightful prepatellar bursitis, patellofemoral arthritis, and synovitis.

Yet, as per usual, all those diagnoses don't add up to anything in the doctors' opinions, so they're still baffled by my constant swelling and pain, which have been in full force for the past couple of months straight. Don't get me wrong, it always hurts, but lately it's rivaled the pain pre-surgery #2, which isn't a good sign. It's also not a good sign that the only way to fix all the cartilage damage is to have yet another operation to remove the damage and potentially implant some cartilage from somewhere else in my body, where it's deteriorated.

I'm so sick of my mysterious medical problems. It's exhausting. I just want my life back. I miss being active, playing sports, being able to walk and not be in pain, being able to sit and not be in pain. I'm 25 years old and have been living basically like a 65-year-old for the past 5 years, without the luxury of a knee replacement because I'm "too young for that."

I don't really know what to do. Another surgery is risky. But doing nothing doesn't seem to be working and none of the other treatment options (PT, acupuncture, medication, cortisone injections, epidural spinal injections, spinal nerve blocks, etc. etc.) had any positive results. I don't want to call my knee specialist because I know his recommendation will be going back in. I just don't want to get into the trend of a surgery every 1.5-2 years, which is how it's shaping up. I can't deal with that. And there's always a fairly large chance that the surgery won't fix me. WebMD actually said that the main complication with these surgeries is it not working.

I know I need to just suck it up and call my surgeon and see what he says about my results of the MRI he doesn't know I received (I was sneaky to try to figure it out myself and got my PCP to give me a script). But I'm scared.

It's as simple as that. I'm scared. And I'm very sad.

I don't want to be this way for the rest of my life.

It's Peep-erific

2010-04-01T12:30:00.002-04:00

I used to love Peeps. My brother and I would put them in the microwave and make them blow up to three times their size before digging ours greedy fingers into the marshmellow and chowing down. We'd get melted marshmellow everywhere, including in our hair, but it was terrific.

Since then though, the little sticky suckers haven't been my fave. I do still enjoy blowing them up in the microwave just because it makes me giggle, but I'm not so big on eating them anymore. I am, however, big on the Washington Post's fourth annual Peeps Show Diorama Contest.

Yes, that's right. Peeps Show Diorama Contest.

This year's winner? "EEP!" (shown right)

We're all familiar with Peeps, the wee sugar-coated marshmallow chicks and
bunnies that make an appearance on grocery shelves this time of year.

But other than letting them go stale and then eating them (we hear they're tastier that way), what else can you do with them?You could recreate the scene from Disney Pixar's "UP" where Carl's house becomes airborne while Boy Scout Russell hides out on the porch, of course. Because that's precisely what the winners of the Washington Post's fourth annual Peeps Show diorama contest did.

According to the Post, the diorama contest -- for which entrants create fantasy scenes out of Peeps and other materials -- is "a cultural barometer -- a three-dimensional essay on the state of the nation's collective consciousness, a sticky finger on the pulse of what's popular." So what was on America's collective, Peeps-obsessed mind this year? "Alice in Wonderland," Shawn White, the White House, and, of course, "UP."
Read the rest of the article HERE and check out additional coverage HERE

I'm loving this more than words can say. And you MUST check out the slideshow of all the runnersup!

They're all so great I can't even pick a favorite!

Take that James Cameron

2010-03-30T16:32:00.001-04:00

Have I ever mentioned how much I love Rob Brezsny? Oh, I have? Well, here's just one more reason to heart him:

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): "I eat pressure for breakfast," says Leo-bornJames Cameron, director of *Avatar* and *Titanic,* the two highestgrossing films ever made. Like many in your tribe, he has a very highopinion of himself. "Anybody can be a father or a husband," he told hisfourth wife Linda Hamilton. "There are only five people in the world whocan do what I do, and I'm going for that." He's your role model. APRILFOOL! I lied. While I do urge you to focus intensely on the quality or talentthat's most special about you, I strongly discourage you from neglectingyour more ordinary roles. In Cameron's case, I'd advise him to startworking on his next fantastic project but also spiff up his skills as a husband and father.

BAHAHAHAHAHA

Guilt--the emotion that doesn't let go.

2010-03-30T09:01:00.002-04:00

Apparently I was so dead to the world yesterday that I completely forgot my father's birthday. Whoops. I called him this morning to apologize and had already celebrated with him and given him a gift last week, so it's forgivable I think. Plus my missing one of his b-days doesn't even begin to compare to the number of times he's forgotten mine or acted nonchalant and even ignorant about something important in my life. But despite all that, I still feel immensely guilty.

Guilt is a fairly new emotion for me. Until about 10 months ago, I wouldn't really have said I've felt very guilty about much in my life--or at least I would never have labeled it as guilt. It would always be more like self-blame. But now, guilt has become one of my most consistent emotions. And one of the trickiest, I'm finding, of which to let go.

It nags and lingers and you can't ever quite pinpoint why. I know logically there's no reason for me to feel guilty about the majority of the things I have guilt over. So, why is it so hard to stop feeling it? Why does it consume me the way it does? Beats me!

I do know, though, that when Ayn Rand said "Guilt is a rope that wears thin," she hit it right on the nose. Somehow guilt traps you and holds tight even while you fight against it. But eventually, it has to wear down. In time, your resistence will break through and the guilt will dissipate and you'll be free again.

I just wish I knew a way to make it happen faster.

Eye iz sik

2010-03-29T17:06:00.008-04:00

Just thought I'd share some cute LOLcats in honor of my ridiculous respiratory illness that will never end:

The "Ex" Factor

2010-03-23T08:47:00.003-04:00

Lately I've been thinking a lot about exes--boyfriends, friends, step-parents/step-siblings, co-workers, and bosses. We all have them. Some of them we stay in touch with, some of them we'd rather jump off a bridge than interact with again (dramatic, yes, but sometimes true). It makes me wonder why we bother developing these close-knit relationships if we're just going to put a big ole X through their photo in our yearbook of life's past.

I know I've said it before, but I hate the idea of losing people from my life, especially when they meant so much to me at some point. I try to keep in contact when I can, to nurture the new relationship between us--whatever it may be. But sometimes, there's no coming back from the damage that's been done.

Yet, despite crossing those particular people out of our lives forever, they never quite go away. We can call them "exes" or "former *insert appropriate noun here*"--we can call them whatever the hell we want--but no matter what we do, they hang around in some capacity. Whether we reestablish actual contact with them or they haunt us in our dreams or they just plain change who we are inside, they leave a permanent impression, no matter how much we deny it.

Recently, the dream haunting has been my problem. In the past month, I think I've dreamt about every ex-boyfriend I have, along with several ex-siblings (yes, I actually have several of those), one ex-boss, and a few ex-friends. All of them have been nightmares of some nature too.

I'm not sure exactly what this means. If the ex-hauntings is common for everyone or if all the stuff I just spouted is less frequent than I think and I'm just "lucky." Or maybe I just have a hard time letting go. It wouldn't surprise me if that were the case.

Everyone always talks about letting go and moving on and how important it is. And I agree one hundred percent, of course. But no one ever explains to you how to let go of someone that carved a small place out in your heart and in your head. And lately I wonder if maybe I just do the moving on part and don't really deal with the letting go part, despite my best efforts.

Something to ponder, I suppose. Which is exactly what I did on the subway this when today's song of the day came on my iPod. Of course, I've come to no conclusions.

"Damage in Your Heart" - Weezer

One more time
I have crossed the line
Now you won't be mine
Anymore.

One more dream
Vanished up in smoke
Now I have no hope
Anymore.

Let it go
The damage in your heart
Let it go
The damage in your heart
I can't tell you how the words have made me feel
I can't tell you how the words have made me feel

One more tear
Falling down your face
Doesn't mean that much
To the world

One more loss
In a losing life
Doesn't hurt so bad
Anymore.

Let it go
The damage in your heart
Let it go
The damage in your heart
I can't tell you how the words have made me feel
I can't tell you how the words have made me feel

Music of the Night...no, I'm not talking about "Phantom of the Opera"

2010-03-20T00:45:00.003-04:00

I've had another Shinedown song stuck in my head all night. And right now, it's feeling pretty spot on.

"Burning Bright" - Shinedown

I feel like there is no need for conversation
Some questions are better left without a reason
And I would rather reveal myself than my situation
Now and then I consider, my hesitation

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright

I wonder if the things I did were just to be different
To spare myself of the constant shame of my existence
And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation
Here and now I'll express, my situation

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright

There's nothing ever wrong but nothing's ever right
Such a cruel contradiction
I know I cross the lines its not easy to define
I'm born to indecision
There's always something new some path I'm supposed to choose
With no particular rhyme or reason

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright

I went out to dinner tonight with a nice guy I met through a friend. We had good conversation, good food, and good wine. We have a lot of common interests and are probably going to hang out and go to the Tim Burton exhibit at the MOMA if there are any tickets left. But most of the evening I felt like I was plastering on a brave face. All I wanted to do was cry. And it's not exactly like I was in a position to show that fact.

I'm in a very scary place right now. My emotions are overwhelming and undefinable. I just wish I knew what I wanted and what I need. Right now though, all I need is for my heart not to hurt so much.

YUM.

2010-03-19T16:38:00.004-04:00

Ummmmm....my co-worker Dan just told me about Jezebel's own version of March Madness:

"The Cake VS. Pie Tournament"

(Yes, you're viewing this post correctly.)

CHECK IT OUT!! AND VOTE!!

Song of the Day

2010-03-18T09:25:00.002-04:00

So, listening to my iPod on the subway this morning, I found today's song of the day. While not all the lyrics apply, the sentiment is one to bear in mind...

"Second Chance" - Shinedown

My eyes are open wide
By the way I made it through the day
I watch the world outside
By the way I'm leaving out today

I just saw Haley's Comet, she waved
Said, "Why are you always running in place?"
Even the man in the moon disappeared
Somewhere in the stratosphere

Tell my mother, tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize this is my life, I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

Please don't cry one tear for me
I'm not afraid of what I have to say
This is my one and only voice
So listen close, it's only for today

I just saw Haley's Comet, she waved
Said, "Why are you always running in place?"
Even the man in the moon disappeared
Somewhere in the stratosphere"

Tell my mother, tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize this is my life, I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

Here is my chance
This is my chance

Tell my mother, tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize this is my life, I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

The saddest goodbye

2010-03-17T23:35:00.006-04:00

“Time, people will tell you, will heal such wounds. And they're right. And as William Faulkner said, that's the saddest thing about love: that even the heartbreak can't last forever. We get over people: that wonderful resilience is at the heart of the human comedy...and its tragedy too, I suppose."

One of my college lit professors told me this after a particularly bad break-up my junior year at BU. It was something I had to keep reading over and over again as I was trying to heal. I found myself reading it again last year after the whole K debacle, and now I find myself in the very same place.

Z just left my apartment after a couple hours of playing pool at our favorite spot and then talking on my couch for another few hours. Though we broke up over two months ago now, it feels like we broke up again tonight, even though I know that we're going to stay in each other's lives as good, loving friends. And this time, he had a bag of his stuff with him, stuff we've both been pretending wasn't sitting in the nightstand on his old side of the bed, waiting for us to work things out.

Over the past couple months, nothing changed the way I wanted it to. I didn't become any less confused and I didn't feel any better about things with me and Z. I was just standing still in limbo, and so was he, both of us just waiting for something to happen to fix it all up. But I realize that's not how it works. So it's probably time to force ourselves to move in one way or another, just so we can have a forward motion. We both know we can't just get back together and hope things will be different this time, so it left us with one option--moving on. Something that's never easy and never really wanted. I guess it's necessarily evil of loving someone that's not right for you--or at least not right for you right now. You have to let go in order to figure out what you truly want.

It broke my heart all over again to have to look him in the eye and tell him all that, knowing it'd be breaking his heart too--again. But I don't want to be someone who doesn't speak up, who lets him wait for me just because I'm scared of losing him and of changing my mind later on and having it be too late. I want him to be happy. I don't want him to be hurting and hanging on, even if I simultaneously don't want him to let me go. So, I suck up my fear and trepidation and I keep reminding myself of all the old heartbreak mantras, hoping one of them will sink in:

"If we're meant to be, we will be."

"If you love someone, let them go. If they come back their yours, that's how you know it's real."

"This too shall pass."

"Time heals all wounds."

But it's not so easy to believe them. I guess my next task is to repeat them to myself every day, over and over, until they start to feel true. Right now, though, I only feel sad, scared, and lost. Kissing him goodbye was bittersweet. It's the perfect way to show someone you love them, even if you're letting them go, or maybe especially when you're letting them go. But it also burns deep in your chest because you know this could be the last time you ever kiss them and that terrifies you and pains you so intimately it feels like your heart's going to lay in pieces forever.

Here's a prime example of when I need a mantra: "If we're meant to be, we will be."

Know Thyself...Not So Much

2010-03-16T23:05:00.004-04:00

It's funny how your thoughts begin to appear in your reality after a while. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about identity, self-discovery, and truly knowing oneself. And of course, as I was walking to the doctor today, I passed by a church with a sign on its door, reading: "We neither get better or worse as we grow older, but more like ourselves."

It touched a chord in me because I've been spending hours and hours trying to figure out what I want from my life, what my dreams are, who I'm supposed to be, and when I saw the sign it hit me. Maybe we can't ever really know ourselves the way we think we can. Who we are is constantly evolving, each day teaching something new about life and about our fears and our joys, even if we don't recognize consciously right away. Our core values, of course, are hopefully pretty solid, but the rest of it feels so fluid most of the time.

I've been stuck in a place much like limbo the past few months, confused about so many things in my life and having no idea how to even begin to deal with them all. The solid and the fluid. They're all jumbled up in my head and in my heart. Family, friendships, love, needs, desires, responsibilities. All areas where problems aren't so easily solved.

These days I can hardly define what I'm feeling, let alone how to fix the things that need fixing. That in itself is difficult for me. Through it all, I've always been able to explain what I feel, to identify the emotion, and understand why (I've been called "very psychologically minded" on more than one occasion). But lately, I haven't a clue. I feel like a little Danielle cocktail, some parts sweet, some sour, some just plain bland. I can't separate them properly and I certainly can't figure out how to balance them out. I know it's a silly metaphor, but it's the only one I've got right now.

And as I sit here pondering who I am and what my life should be, I can't help but hope that the sign on the church is right. That in time maybe I'll start to understand, even if I do change in some capacity on a daily basis. I just hope it doesn't too long to at least have a loose grasp on things. Because in so many ways it feels like bits of my life and pieces of myself are drifting away from me.

Another apt gem from Rob Brezsny...

2010-03-09T16:49:00.002-05:00

if I weren't confused enough already...

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): To discover the most useful truths, you will haveto peek behind the curtains and root around to see what's cloaked in thedark and maybe even explore messes you'd rather not touch. Whatcomplicates your task is that the fake truths may be extra loud and shiny,distracting you from the down and dirty stuff with their relentless come-ons. But I have confidence in your ability to outmaneuver the propaganda,Leo. You shall know the hype, and knowing the hype will set you free.

To see yours, go HERE!

STOKED!

2010-03-05T10:57:00.000-05:00

I just got an email from Ticketmaster this morning informing me that 30 Seconds to Mars is finally, FINALLY, going on tour! I've been patiently waiting for years!

Soooo buying tickets tomorrow morning when they go on sale! :)

Shopping Stupid

2010-03-05T08:44:00.005-05:00

I detest shopping. I always have. My mother always hated it too so it was never a fun excursion for us. She would drag me to the mall, and then I'd have to drag her through the mall. People never believe me when I tell them this fun fact, but it's true. If you doubt me, just ask any one of my friends who's had the pleasure of going on a shopping trip with me.

Being a girl in Ameican society, it's always been difficult for me to connect with other women (growing up and presently), partially as a result of my lack of excitement about typically female activities such as shopping, fashion, shoes, etc. I've always related more to male-oriented activites--sports, video games, etc. As a grow older, I'm embracing my feminine side a little more, or at least I'm trying to. Once and a while, I actually even have the urge to go shopping *gasp*

I am lucky to have a couple friends and a sister who are very gifted in the fashion arena, who have taken me out and helped me pick out some fun new clothes. Sometimes I even give them a price limit and let them pick everything. I know I don't have much of an eye for this stuff and my personal taste isn't exactly innovative. I like simple, comfortable, and classic. There's nothing wrong with that, I know, but as I age I find myself wanting more and more to show my personality through my clothing, to mix it up and really dress like a woman haha Plus, the majority of my wardrobe currently consists of clothes from college--and I'm embarassed to say it--even high school. *blush* It's time for a change.

The tricky part, of course, is money (and having the eye, naturally). Working in book publishing, I don't exactly have much left over after the basic living expenses each month. So, that means bargain shopping, something I'm not very good at. There are a lot of people I know are great at it, whose styles I admire, and I've thought about asking them to help me. But it's a difficult thing to say "Hey, I suck at dressing myself and wish I could have style more like yours!" (I also need to get myself back in shape, if my knee will let me, because that will expand the styles that actually look decent on my more-curvy-than-I'd-like body).

But despite it all, last night, I had the random urge to do some online shopping. And I made two purchases that I'm super excited about: a pair of fingerless arm socks from Etsy seller A Crooked Sixpence (when I'm cold at work and typing, they'll be all cozy and awesome. I got them in lavender) and a fab new dress from Francesca's Collections that I hope to god fits (and looks good! It's fun and the back detail is gorgeous):

And I think next week, I'm going to take myself out and give it a try in some stores. My clothes are literally falling apart in some cases because they're so old and I find myself constantly wearing the same things over and over and over again. I found a few more things yesterday that I liked online but they have stores in the city so I don't feel right ordering online. Plus, my body is the type that really needs to try on a garment first.

Union Square, here I come!