Tonight, thought, I couldn't stand the range of emotions bubbling inside of me. I've been fearing the combination lately, wondering when I'm not going to be able to hold it together any longer. I don't know when that time will come, but all I knew is that I needed to calm it down somehow. I also needed guidance from someone or something other than my emotions. So, I decided to go to the tarot.
I've used tarot before to answer questions, to help me quiet the feelings and use the more rational side of my brain to tackle a problem. And every time I do it, it helps so tremendously. I always end my session thinking, "I need to do this more often." But I never do. Why, I'm not sure. The times I do succumb are so healing somehow, even when it leaves me feeling no less torn inside, even when it spills tears from my eyes--like tonight.
Somehow I feel closer to the answer. It's a kind of spirituality that has always been missing in my life, a faith I've never found or been able to hold on to. But maybe I need to try harder, to believe in something, even if in the end it's rooted in my own thoughts and feelings. Isn't all faith like that in a way?
I don't know much about faith so maybe I'm not making any sense at all. The only thing I know is that when I dim the lights in my apartment, light a few choice candles, turn on some calming music (my new sound machine is magical, by the way), and close my eyes and take some deep breaths to clear and cleanse my soul, something stirs within me. Something pure and primal and unabashed. It just is.
And maybe that's exactly what I need. To believe in just being.
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