I'm extraordinarily stressed out right now. Work has been crazy, not only doing my own job but doing other people's jobs as well. I also haven't been sleeping well still (shocker. story of my life) and I'm exhausted. All that on top of the break-up stress and the friendship stress and the family stress. I just want to run away right now. (Well, I want to cry my eyes out, sleep, th en run away.) Just hop on a plane and go somewhere else where I don't have to feel so much at once and be so confused.

Oh Taylor Swift

So, my new Taylor Swift obsession has gotten worse. I can't stop listening to her music! And I found another song of hers that speaks to me so closely, and describes all the fear and worries I had been having in the last few months of my relationship, especially going from the whirlwind with the Canadian to the calm after the storm with Z. It makes me feel better to listen to the song, as strange as that might be. Because it's helping me to see that I was looking at things the wrong way, that the lack of intensity in my relationship with Z wasn't necessarily a bad thing. The intensity I'm used to is unhealthy, just as it would be if there was no intensity or passion at all (my therapist tells me I need to remember that passion and intensity are NOT the same thing. That helps too.). The healthy thing is a happy medium. That's what I need.

Anyway, here are the lyrics I now know by heart (with the ending that doesn't pertain to me being left off, so go HERE if you need to see the whole thing):

THE WAY I LOVED YOU by Taylor Swift

He is sensible and so incredible

And all my single friends are jealous.

He says everything I need to hear

And it’s like I couldn’t ask for anything better.

He opens up my door and

I get into his car

and he says you look beautiful tonight.

And I feel perfectly fine.

[Chorus:]
But I miss screamin’ and fightin’ and kissin’ in the rain
and its 2am and I’m cursin’ your name.
You’re so in love that you act insane
and that’s the way I loved you.
Breakin’ down and comin’ undone
it’s a roller coaster kinda rush.
And I never knew I could feel that much.
And that’s the way I loved you.

He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will.
He’s close to my mother
Talks business with my father.
He’s charming and endearing
And I’m comfortable.

But I miss screamin’ and fightin’ and kissin’ in the rain
And it’s 2am and I’m cursin’ your name.
You’re so in love that you act insane
And that’s the way I loved you.
Breakin’ down and comin’ undone
It’s a roller coaster kinda rush.
And I never knew I could feel that much.
And that’s the way I loved you.


BTW, did you see Taylor's dress at the Grammy's last weekend?





I
WANT
IT.


p.s. I have no idea what happened with the spacing in the first verse of the lyrics. But I can't fix it haha

Donate Blood. Save Lives.

I went to donate platelets today. I'd been thinking about doing it for months but was still just getting used to donating whole blood on a regular basis. I finally decided to just suck it up, deal with it, and do it. So, I did all my usual prep and then some: lots of water, sleep (well, I tried at least haha), protein, iron (in food and extra supplements), calcium, etc. I even woke up early this morning to make myself scrambled eggs with feta cheese and spinach and some steak (my version of steak and eggs), to ensure that my iron was high enough to donate. It takes me 45 minutes to get the donor center on the Upper East Side, so I drank more water on my way there and prepped mentally.

But, of course, my iron wasn't high enough. Usually it's low on one hand (they prick a finger, take a drop of blood, and test it in this hemoglobin machine things) and meets the standards on the other. Today, neither hand was high enough. They require a reading of 12.5, which I always struggle to reach, despite the fact that I'm not anemic and my doctor keeps telling me my iron levels are normal. They're on the low side, but still fall into the "ok" range. Unfortunately, my 11.4 level doesn't cut it.

It's so frustrating when that happens. I go all the way there, have spent days prepping, spending money on good beef so that I can up my iron, and then I'm there for five minutes, have two bleeding fingers, and have to go all the way home without helping anyone.

I was really hesitant to donate blood. When I was younger, I didn't weigh enough, then I had my tattoo phase, and then in 2008, I finally donated for the first time. It wasn't a very good experience so it took me 6 months to go back. But I did and I didn't faint again and it all went fine. I've donated 6 times since then. I try to go every two-three months, however long it is they make you wait. I'm not always able to donate because of the iron thing, but I usually go back a week later and try again.

I always feel terrible when I can't donate. I want so badly to help, I know how desperate hospitals all over the country are for blood and platelet donations. Each time I donate my blood could save up to three lives. That's pretty powerful stuff. And I know a lot of people refuse to donate because they don't like needles, so I finally vowed to donate as much as I could since those people are too afraid. I used to be one of them. But once I started doing it I realized it isn't all that bad, especially for the outcome. What's 15 minutes tops of discomfort for saving three lives? Nothing. And today, I was really excited to help a different group of people in a different way. Platelet donations take about two hours of sitting there. I was all set with my e-reader and some submissions and was ready to do it. But then I wasn't allowed, and it just breaks my heart.

People tell me I shouldn't feel guilty, that it's the good intention that matters. But it's not in this case. A good intention doesn't save someone's life. I wish I could figure out how to get my iron higher and keep it that way, but my body doesn't seem to absorb it very well (shocker. Another medical problem *gasp*). I guess I need to do some research and try some new things. I really want to be able to donate on a regular basis, without being rejected half the time because of low hemoglobin.

But since that is the case for me half the time, I encourage you all to please give donating a try. To suck it up and stop psyching yourself out, and go donate blood. Just whole blood. You don't have to jump right into the platelets. It'll take very little time, you'll get some free snacks, you'll feel really good about what you've done, and you'll be proud of yourself. I promise. And if you're afraid of passing out, I know lots of tricks to avoid it and can give pointers and fill you in on all the things you need to do to prep before you go to make sure you don't have any issues.

Give blood. It's easy, and it's needed.

Today I saw Z for the first time in nearly 3 weeks. I don't think we've ever gone that long without seeing each other, even before we ever dated. It was great to see him again, though I will admit it was difficult, especially since I was toting a bag of some of his stuff to give back. I've never really had to do that part before. I have some things from ex-boyfriends (or rather some of their things haha) but I never had to really do a real return like this given my penchant for long distance relationships. But despite it being a hard thing to do, I'm really glad we got together today.

We went to lunch and then saw a movie, just like we would've done before any of this mess happened, and it was really nice. It was fun to laugh with him again, to have him tell me stories and corny jokes that I crack up at. I felt like he's becoming him again without me, which is wonderful because he's who I fell in love with. I know I made a lot of mistakes, mistakes I haven't been able to apologize for and really admit to him since today we were in such public places. I didn't exactly want to have that kind of a conversation around strangers. But I do want to tell him, to talk to him about what happened on my end with us, and about all the things that have happened with me and my family in the past several weeks. I'm hoping to get an opportunity to do that soon.

Though I must admit that I'm very scared of doing things wrong as we build back our friendship and get to know each other again. I'm afraid of pushing it too fast, even though I feel ready and he says he is too. Maybe we're not. Our awkward goodbye in front of Petco made me feel like maybe we need to be more careful, but I just don't know how to really know without doing it and either succeeding or failing. All I know is that I didn't want to leave him. I didn't want to walk away with my eyes full of tears, without kissing him goodbye, knowing I had been fighting all afternoon not to fall back into old boyfriend/girlfriend habits . But I had to and so did he. For both of us. I think we both hate it. But it's for the best right now. We both have a lot to figure out about ourselves and our lives, and for some reason, we were keeping each other from doing that for a while there.

I wish things were easier.

Finally!

Today I got a little surprise. A phone call from a FedEx delivery man, telling me that he had a package to bring me today that required direct signature. Naturally, I was confused as I wasn't expecting anything in the mail. I asked him if he could tell what it was and he said it was a huge box from Park West Gallery. I instantly knew what it was--my Romero Britto painting!

But wait, I had called the Gallery two days ago and they told me it was still at the framer's and wouldn't ship out for another week or so. And they said that I would get a shipping confirmation and tracking number from FedEx as soon as it went out. Hmm. I received no tracking number. I had no clue it was coming.

Luckily, I was planning on going straight home after work, and luckily, I had the number of an Astoria-based car service on my cell phone from when I had my second knee surgery. Because HOLY HUGE-ASS BOX BATMAN! I could barely even pick it up on my own! It wasn't heavy but it was literally two of me, lying side-by-side. I could barely reach the ends of the box with my arms outstretched! Thank goodness for nice mailroom peeps because they stored it for me downstairs until the end of the day when I could take it up to the lobby and have a car service pick me up. One would assume this would be an easy feat. But it was not.

Said mailroom guy was kind enough though to help me out. We carried the box to the freight elevator and up to the lobby. Then had to get outside. There are three entrances to my building, all of which have revolving doors. Like THAT was going to happen. So, we got someone to unlock the special regular door at the side entrance and let us outside. He went back down to the mailroom (no jacket and brrr was it cold out!) and I lugged the box around the block to the front of my building (I had to put it down three times to walk about 15 yards or something ridiculous haha).

People looked at me like I had a dozen heads, standing there, leaning my ginormous box against the front window to Nine West and

struggling to keep it standing upright in the wind. The car service was 10 minutes late and when he arrived, I nearly dropped the box in the middle of the sidewalk trying to dart through traffic to get to the SUV. The box barely fit with the seats down! But we made it work and he drove me home, where it was again, difficult to get out and into the apartment. Luckily, once more, two UPS guys were being buzzed into my building, so I called out and snagged one of them to help me maneuver gino-box to my apartment door.

Phew! I made it. Dragged the damn thing inside, used up all the floor space in my living room trying to open it, and took out my beautiful Britto :) Of course, it's larger than I thought and doesn't look exactly as I'd hoped in my space, but I have some sprucing to do anyway. I'm also waiting for my Peter Lik photograph, which I get back from the framer tomorrow. Hopefully that--along with some new pillow sleeves for my couch throw pillows--will help pull the room together.

But I sure do love my Britto (it's v. hard to take a pic of it on my blackberry because it's super bright and it's got glitter on it and it's 3-D! so this pic doesn't do it justice, at all but there you go haha):

Now, it's time to order some takeout and watch a movie. I'm finally taking a night to veg-out after working crazy hard in and out of the office the past couple weeks!

Funny fact

So, I just had to share real quick (and then I can eat dinner haha) that I think my new author and I were totally fated haha I took a look at her blog (which I'll share with y'all once the contract proposal is routing haha) and it seems she has unexplainable back pain, just like my knee! haha we've both tried everything we can think of to make it go away but had to have surgeries, and were still left with pain. It's a bummer that she has to deal with that too, but I just found it to be kind of interesting that it's like the fourth personal similarity I've found between us.

That's all. Ok. On to my cereal. (yes, I know. Cereal is not dinner. But it is tonight.)

w00t!

So, I don't think I can say a ton about this yet until the details are figured out, that is. But...drum roll please....I got a book!!! Three books to be exact :) Super fun and compelling urban fantasy novels. We were fighting four other publishing houses to get it and the author had talks with all the possible editors to see who she wanted to work with. And she chose ME :) I'm so stoked. It's not only a huge vote of confidence from my superiors at the office to have given it to me so wholly, but from the author herself, who seems really cool and anxious to make her books the best they can be, which is always exciting for an editor to hear! I talked to her briefly after I heard the news and we both did a little happy dance over the phone. I'm ecstatic!

And on top of that, I have a bunch of submissions in right now, many of which sound promising! I'm reading an edgy YA right now that I'm totally loving and would actually be a good fit for us if I can get the others on board :) So, fingers crossed again please for my tide to have finally changed!